Ladies Love Cool Hy: The Early Years

This year, I refused to give out treats of any kind to kids for Halloween.

This year, whenever they knocked on my door, and blare out, "TRICK OR TREAT!!", I'd stroke my chin and say, "Nah, no treats. I want a trick. I want to see what you little bastards can come up with!! TRICK!! TORTURE ME!! MAKE ME PAY, YOU LITTLE TOOLS!!"

Many of them cried. The more intelligent ones realizes their bluff had been called and walked away defeated but dry-eyed.

But no one egged my place. No toilet paper hit my trees. My car remained paint-free.

I made my stand the other night. I said no 5-10 year old was going to get one over on ME! Their little heads couldn't POSSIBLY come up with a "trick" to screw me over. I'd ALWAYS outwit them.

Hyatte 1 Halloween 0

Besides, all I had was apples and razor blades. And boy, you should've SEEN the look on the cashier's face when I had her rind those bad boys up at the supermarket. That was all I bought that day, apples and razorblades... and was singing Miley Cyrus.... very, very softly....

"the last time I freaked out, I just kept looking down, I st st stutering when you asked what I'm thinking 'bout, felt like I couldn't breath, you asked what's wrong with me, my best friend Leslie said 'oh, she's just being Miley.

"The next time we hang out, I will redeem myself, my heart can rest 'till then..."

Then I would SCREAM "WHOA WHO I!! I CAN'T WAIT, TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!"

I need to stop doing my food and sundry shopping drunk.

Anyway, that was my Halloween. Plus me and the girlfriend watched us both "Kill Bill" movies. She's a fiend for female empowerment flicks.

******************************

Little tale from my past. There's a LITTLE punching up just to heighten the storytelling, but i swear to you, the following is all true.

1988. It was a time of Max Headroom and Micheal J Fox, and Lethal Weapon 2, Kirstie Alley on Cheers, and Jack as the Joker, and Moamar Quaddaffi, and the second half of Reagannomics, and "Just Say No", and Poison, and Bon Jovi, and the Crue, and Ratt, and the Scorpions, and young men all over the country wondering just when David Lee Roth would return to Van Halen...and hopes and dreams...

And your boy Hyatte with his STYLING 1980 puke green Monte Carlo. The dream car, the ride, the gift from his mother for good grades.

Unfortunately, my idea of good grades wasn't exactly my mother's. She gave me the car anyway. She had no choice, the auto shop where she had it kept brought it over because a big snowstorm was coming and he needed the room. THANKS MA!!!

High school was over, for good. Summer was here, and Hyatte had his crew. Nothing worth bragging about, just a bunch of geeks who knew each other's beats and had the same agenda in mind: let's have some fun before college, or the army, began. Let's party, drink, chow down, and have as much fun as this barren fucking state which was a few years from allowing 18 and over crowds into the clubs on certain nights would allow a bunch of guys with little to no money.

So, naturally, we hit as many town parties as we could.

Town parties were set up as followed: get as many people as possible inside and drinking before the cops showed up to break it up, because when the cops came, half the party would dive out of various windows and run for their LIVES. The ones who stayed usually ended up getting laid because the cops usually showed up, told us to keep it down, then left because they didn't have much to do there. Not when the host of the party was smart enough to hide the beer.

But this was suburbia and white suburban kids were usually terrified of the cops and didn't know that the cops had little stroke other than to issue stern verbal warnings before shucking off to the next party they needed to break up. Suburban kids scared easy.

It was a warm June Saturday. There we were, moping around the parking lot of our town's Burger King. There was Matt, Scott, Todd (who we called "Hector" for no reason I can think of), Dave, Steve, and Bill. Others came an gone, flitted in and out, but this was the core.

Not quite geeks, but note the lack of girls mentioned.

Were there virgins in our group? Yup. Was I one? NO!! Was I a playa? Was "Playa" even a term in 1988? No and No.

In high school, you sort of understand that nothing that goes on in there will mean a damn thing the moment you get out. You understand it - but your raging hormones and developing intellectual and emotional mind can't quite handle it. That four year slice of life grooming you go through just merely forces you to understand that we're going to spend the rest of our lives wandering around with other people who think and behave differently. It also gives you the first glimpses at the other sex, and how to talk to them. Some catch on quicker then others.

It took Hyatte a while to catch on, but for when I was a junior, in 1987, I had a long-term girlfriend that lasted almost 16 whole months. Her name was Polly, and she was patient with me. Then she was accepted to some University out in California... like, really, REALLY early... so I was dumped a few months into my senior year. I was cool with it. I figured I'd scoop another one up before the year was over. No problemo.

Didn't work out that way, for various reasons. Ah well.

So, there we were, my crew, on a warm June afternoon, kicking the hackey-sack around and wondering what we were going to do to kill another summer day. None of us had girlfriends simply because without school, and without 18 and under clubs, where the hell were they??

That's another kick in the balls high school doesn't tell you about. It's tougher to pick up girls when they aren't jammed against you in crowded classrooms and lunch cafeterias. Out in the real world, they tend to hide unless you got pot, beer, and a house with no parents.

Somewhere during the great BK Hackey-Sack Session, which was looking to be the main event for the evening, Matt saw someone he knew going through the BK Drive-thru and waved at him. I didn't know the kid but he waved Matt over. I heard matt yell, "Whattaya doin' scrubba?" Matt called everyone "scrubba". It was a term of endearment. Minutes later he returned and said, "Party tonight."

The hackey-sack hit the ground with a soft PLOP. Someone missed the side kick. Okay, it was me. Fuck off. I was never very good at hackey-sack and that stupid little beanball never made it very deep into the 90's, DID IT???

So we had something to do later that night. A PARTY!! To this day I forgot who threw it. But I DO remember that the kid's parents would be there... so coke and fruit punch would be the strongest thing there. We would need Scott's brother Herb (Yes, HERB!) to pick us up some Purple Passion, and maybe some Everclear.

And maybe some weed.

But, that was hours away. We still had the rest of the late afternoon to kill before we all took off to shower and get ready. We all stood around wondering what to do.

Hector picked up the hackey-sack and started the circle. I only fucked up the flow 6 times. Fucking hackey-sack.

I almost got laid at the party.

So we made it and the father had the grill going and the mother was serving drinks and Herb is being a dickface and only bought two sixes of Schlitz... and half a roach he found in his sock drawer. Barely anything. Steve thought his parents kept an unopened bottle of Peppermint Schnapps buried deep in their basement bar at his house... but he was too much of a pussy to try to steal it. Which, sort'a made me wonder why he would bring up the subject in the first place... but Steve was a clas-a pussy anyway. Always had been. Probably still is. Probably still has all of his babyfat too... heh. HA!! Creep.

Anyway. The party was a cook-out, set up in the backyard. A small backyard as far as backyards go, but nice... with fences blocking both sides and a natural, white-rock hill forming a back wall and some good sized evergreen trees forming a front line in front.. The parents had set up spotlights in front of said evergreens which was in front of said white-rock wall and they were BRIGHT... BRIGHT AS THE SUN!!

So there we were, all dressed up in... oh like I remember what anyone was wearing!! All I know is that I bought all my clothes from "Chess King" and I was CUTTING EDGE!! The jeans were Levis, the shoes were... umm.... sandals, yeah, it was Summer. The shirt had Judas Priest on the front from a concert I never went to but wore the shirt to school the day after he played in town just to look like I did. The hair was washed and fresh and brown and ALL THERE. And feathered right down the middle and LOVELY. We all were ready for some FUN, some MUSIC, and maybe some female contact... maybe.

But first, I had to piss.

"Go behind the trees, behind the lights," the host... who's face I remember (sort of looked like a rabbit with dysentery) but damn if I can remember his name. "The lights are facing the house so no one will see you."

"Why can't I just use your toilet in the house?" I asked. I would've called him "dude" but the word hadn't made it to New England in the late 80's yet. I may have called him "Scrubba" but can't recall.

"My sister's all perioding and shit," he said. "She's locked herself in there. She's being a wicked princess."

"Don't you have a second bathroom?" I asked.

"Just use the trees, peckerhead," he said.

So I did. And the privacy WAS quite nice. I took note of it. And from then on, behind the trees and behind the spotlights became known as the bathroom.

About an hour or so later, the party was actually pretty good. Lots of people were there. At two instances I remember overhearing the mother complain that she didn't buy enough food for these many kids. Me and the crew were all hanging out, laughing away, goofing on each other, other people, telling blown up stories from the last four years of high school without worrying if we were repeating ourselves. Scott (who had a red afro, yes.) had beaten MMA by about 8 years as HE was the first person to "Tap Out" whenever he started laughing so loud he had to stop. He'd start bawling with laughter, put his head to the table, and slam his hand three times on the table then wave himself off. Match over,

Okay... so its more of a wrestling three count... BUT HE TAPPED WHILE TITO ORTIZ WAS STILL HELPING HIS POPPA MOW LAWNS!!! BLOW ME!!

Anyway, I had gotten up to make myself another lovely Schlitz and Coke spritzer when a girl came up to me and started talking. A cute girl with long, sandy brown hair and a wide smile. I never saw her before.

"How's it going?" she asked.

"ACES, BABY!! I shoutes!! No, I kid. "Good," I said. "What's up?"

"Not much," she said. "I'm freaking out."

I smiled and stretched my arms out as if I just woke up from a nap... showing off the guns. "How come?"

"My ex-boyfriend just showed up and I don't want to see him. I don't want him to bother me." She looked behind her and then looked back at me. "So I'm just going to talk to you until I figure something out."

Immediately, I knew I was gong to kick some ex-boyfriend ass!! Unless he was bigger than me... or older... or black. "Well," I said, "what do you want to do?"

She looked around. "My friends are here and they don't want to leave. I just want to hang low until he leaves. I don't think he's going to stay, no one he knows is here."

And suddenly, a brilliant, beautiful lightbulb popped in my head... as bold as NEON!!

As bold as... spotlights.

"I know what to do," I said. "I can sneak you out of here and he won't see you." I started walking backwards. "Come on," I said.

"Where are we going?" she asked.

"I'm going to the bathroom," I said. "And you're coming with me."

She completely froze in her tracks. In a split second her mouth went from gentle, nice smile, to full-out rictus of fear and outrage and horror. "Holy shit," she said. "Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!! No! No! No!" She started to back away from me.

I knew I fucked it up. But I tried to recover. "No, not that, I mean we can go into the trees back there and..."

"Oh God, get away from me!" She said, and then whipped around on a dime and RAN... full throttled SPRINTED out of the backyard and out of the gate. I'm pretty sure she decided her ex-boyfriend wasn't THAT bad right there and then.

I watched her go, and felt terrible for a full minute... then shrugged my shoulders and went back to my crew... none of whom had witnessed this.

So of COURSE, my plan was to walk her to the corner of the yard behind the spotlights so her ex couldn't see her, and then loop to the far side of the party and just hang out until she felt more comfortable. Of course. No, really.

But suddenly, it was like I was inviting this nice girl I knew for all of 90 seconds to go somewhere and give each other golden showers... or worse things...

I learned an important lesson that night. I learned the word "bathroom" is NOT a safe word to use with a girl you met a minute ago. I learned that chicks are not going to trust you after exchanging maybe 25 words.

And I learned that if I wanted to get laid again, I'd better enroll in some college. And I did... a year and a half later (slow learner, am I)

I don't remember much else about that party, or the rest of the summer. I lost contect with all of those buds... except that Dave became an engineer and did get married and just totally handed his balls to his wife, possibly at the altar. Matt got married to a beastly thing and bought his parent's house and seems to run a part time towing service for a living. Scott stopped into a club I was bouncing at and he had a girlfriend and she was just as obnoxious as him.

And me? I learned those lessons well, and learned lots more as the years went on. And still plan on learning more and more. And some nights, as I lay in bed reflecting of the continuing growth of the asshole named Hyatte, As the wind softly moans in the night and I lay in bed wondering why my Lord and Savior saw fit to remove a small portion of my hairline and a GOOD portion of its luxurious brown color... I can sometimes hear the soft voice of Joe Cocker waft through the night sky...

"What would you dooooo, if I sang out of tune. Would you stand up and walk out on me. Lend me your ears and I'll... sing you a song. I will try not to sing out of keyyya. Oh baby HAVE A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!! ALL I NEED IS MY BROTHER!! HAVE A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!! I JUST NEED A LITTLE HEEELP HAVE A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS!! OH BABY OOOOO OOOOO OOOOOOOO"

Hope that rotten, paranoid little twat is a single mom with 15 kids... all with down's syndrome. How dare she run out on me.

Comments next time around.

And you all waited 2 weeks for this!

In a day or two...

I'm still here. Just tied up.

I have a story from my youth and a bunch of comments answered, coming very soon.

And i've gotten tired of Yes and No questions, so I'll be more verbose with some of them.

MyTV and Comments

This was going to be longer but time is ever the cold, hungry, relentless BITCH!!

Whassup, people.

Someone, somewhere openly grumbled about how long posts where I just keep adding and adding new material at the end gets frustrating because they race down to the end but overshoot and end up shooting past the entry and wandering into boring ol' entries past... which they've already read a few dozen times and can recite every word... backwards.

Well, since I much, MUCH prefer lots of comments on each long post rather than bits of comments on several, scattered posts, here's what I suggest:

A: Log on here, breathe a sigh of relief when I make it clear in the headline that I have recently updated.

B: Click on recent headline. Just point and click.

C: Scroll down and see that now this post is the only post on your screen, no older posts follow. Just this posts and the comments it has so far garnered.

D: Easily find the point where the updated post ends and the comments begins and begin reading until you run out of unread material.

E: Zoom to the bottom of the screen and add in another comment to keep this puppy rolling, and to motivate me to respond.

F: Go find something shaped like a mini-bowling pin, shove it straight up your ass and spend the day walking around feeling like a stuffed fucking Thanksgiving turkey. Homo.

There ya' go. Problem solved.


So someone asked what I am watching on TV these days. Here's a list of all the shows I try really hard not to miss. In handy dandy days of the week order...

1) Letterman (since 1983. Only Carson can touch him)

2) Curb your Enthusiasm. (The concept is just thrilling. His scripts just lay out the scenario and from their on, all improv.)

3) Entourage (even tho' the latest season SUCKED)

4) Mad Men (slow moving, but an acting clinic. If you watch it, and wonder why the dramatic payoffs are so moving, it's because they know how to build. Someone from the Sopranos runs this show, and you can see the pedigree.)

5) NBC Sunday Night Football. ('nuff said)

6) The Simpsons. (Yeah, even I admit it, it's lost its edge. Someone, a few years ago, put it best... it's like everyone with originality left the Simpsons and let geeks who grew up watching it run the show. It's showing its age and it shows.)

6) House (It knows when to amke the lead character sympathetic, it knows when to bring Greg House's flaws front and center. And its just fun to see them unravel the medical mustery.)

7) Sons of Anarchy. (Not anything I CRAVE, but they hired Adam Arkin to be the leader of a white supremecy faction trying to fuck the biker gang out of town... and that is INSPIRED casting. Ron Perlman has been waaay too lucky for waaay too long)

8) Man vs Wild (Although its starting to get old, there is enough time between fresh sets of new shows to keep me interested... and the special episode he did with Will Ferrell was hilarious.)

9) Mythbusters (Adam is a carefree fag. Jamie redefines the term "closeted", and the girl seems to go from really hot to really BLEH on weekly basis, but they have fun and we LEARN THINGS.)

10) Survivor: Samoa. (Every season is a whole new cast, and THIS season they have a dude called Russell who is a fucking STAR!! He's also a nasty, evil asshole who makesd Johnny Fairplay look like an amateur. Get this, he tells everyone he's a firefighter from New Orleans who watched his dog drown during Katrina, then he grabs the camera and says, "Look, I've never BEEN to New Orleans, I'm a multi-millionaire who is just here to show how easy it is to manipulate these idiots and win the million, which I don't need." The thing is, he is HIGHLY photogenic, handsome, and charismatic. Mark Burnette is a fucking genius because I have no idea how long Russell will last in this game, but they are right now postioning him to be the star... which can easily mean he'll be thrown off the island before they even make it to jury selection. Just brilliant casting.)

11) Fringe. (It's like the X-Files only faster moving. Joshua Jackson hasn't taken a single acting class since he was hired for Dawson's Creek, but he fits here. The old guy, Walter, is a found treasure who was probably stuck doing bit parts and Shakespearean theater his whole life. His character reminds me of a guy I work with. They both take such joy in the simple things in life. I hang with my friend just for the positive energy he exudes over such simple pleasures... like a good restaurant or a funny image he caught on his camera phone.

And I've said it before... but it bears repeating... this is Anna Torv, the show's lead actress:



And this is porn starlet Aurora Snow:



Torv looks like Snow's sister. Thus I spend each show obessively wondering if her chooch isn't as deep and cavernous as a black hole... like her sister.)

14) South Park. Only 14 episodes a year, split between 5 months. Any one episoide is funnier and smarter AND dirtier than any given ten episodes of Family Guy

15) Dollhouse. (I have the first season DVD set, but I'm finding myself less and less interested in this show. I'm a Joss Whedon fiend but this show is lacking... and I don't think it'll last through its second season. Whedon needs to back off the "empowered cool chick" gemre and do something different, like a cop show or something. And Eliza Kushdu could've been Megan Fox before Megan Fox arrived... she downplays her sexiness too much.)

16) Dexter. (It took me a while to grow into this show, but I watched the first two seasons and find the show pretty fun. Nothing MUST HAVE, but entertaining all the same.)

That's it, my must watch shows. For DVDs, I grab seasons of The Office, 24, South Park, and Damages, as they arrive, and a bunch of old shows as my whims dictate. I'm thinking about collecting the entire Cheers and Seinfeld run. Just so you know.

********

I have some comments to catch up on. Yes or No... YOUR comments... just my way of letting you piece together the jigsaw rubik's cube known as HY8!!!


1) October 6, 2009 11:14 PM... Tony Majestic said... 1.) Do you think a group of your fans would seriously consider getting together in public? 2.) Have you ever self-published a book of your own work to sell out of the trunk of your car?

1) Never. 2) HA HA HA... no


2) October 7, 2009 12:22 AM... Anonymous said... Is your job resteraunt related? The wife was fake but was the sex club real?

1) No, I'm not a fucking waiter. 2) Yes.


3) October 7, 2009 3:45 AM... Anonymous said... Do you work in the public sector? Is your day job exactly that - a 9-5, working at a desk?

1) Yes. 2) Hmmmm... yeno. noye.


4) October 7, 2009 9:42 AM... Anonymous said... 1. Do you work in telecommunications? 2. Do you work in hospitality?

1) No. 2) We can all work on being more hospitable to each other.


5) October 7, 2009 10:52 AM... Anonymous said... Do you enjoy your fans? Would you ever consider showing a picture of yourself?

1) Sure. 2) Ahhh, yes


6) October 7, 2009 12:11 PM... Anonymous said... Have you ever read Denis Leary's book "Why We Suck"? If no, may I recommend it to you?

1) Nope. 2) Of course!


7) October 7, 2009 12:35 PM... Anonymous said... Did you finish college (i.e. get a degree)? Have you ever thrown your wallet at your TV in real life?

1) No. 2) Heh... probably


8) October 7, 2009 12:58 PM... Anonymous said... Do ya use any drug other than alcohol for recreational purposes? Have you ever had what could be considered a gay experience?

1) Nope. 2).... sigh.... yeah


9) October 7, 2009 1:12 PM... richardrh said... Do you remember Tully Blanchard? Do you care?

1) YES!! 2) Not a rat's ass.


10) October 7, 2009 3:32 PM... lostnoiz said... Do you have a physically demanding job? Is your your mentally challenging?

1) yeah. 2) YES!


11) October 7, 2009 3:34 PM... lostnoiz said... God damn...as I am apparantly mentally challenged....

1) Yes.


12) October 7, 2009 5:04 PM... WARSAW said... If your last name was a real word, would it be listed in the first half of the Dictionary? Is your last name longer than three syllables?

1) Yup. 2) Nope.


13) October 7, 2009 6:23 PM... Anonymous said... Is your cock longer than 5 inches?
Would you buy Ric Flairs nwa title for 75 k and wear it and only it in the lobby of a hotel screaming Whoo Whoo Whoooo while you do the helicopter tug on your slong?

1) Bet'cha ASS!! 2) No


14) October 7, 2009 8:32 PM... Anonymous said... Haha, if you woke up in a field somewhere, hungover, and you found a homeless guy sucking you off; would you let him finish?

No, no, NO!!


15) October 8, 2009 8:06 AM... Anonymous said... Is "Na'cho cheese" the funniest cheese-related joke of all time?

1) Without fucking question


16) October 8, 2009 1:27 PM... Todd said... Are you still at the address on Georgianna? Did you ever complete the "hard boiled" novella about Benjy, Max, the Accountant?

1) No. 2) Yes. Wow.


17) October 8, 2009 1:47 PM... MorninWood said... So Hy8, are you currently working as a janitor or in "custodial engineering"? Do you hate anyone on here?

1) No. 2) Oh yes.


18) October 8, 2009 9:36 PM... Anonymous said... 1) A woman ever abort the fruit of your loins? 2) Have any brothers or sisters?

1) Probably not. 2) No.


19) October 9, 2009 1:48 AM... Anonymous said... Ever given a rim job? Ever gotten one?

1) Aye. 2) AYE!


20) October 9, 2009 2:39 AM... Anonymous said... In terms of women online, have you ever jacked off on webcam for a girl? Have you ever had a woman online reject you because you wouldn't give her a photo of yourself?

1) BWAHAHAHAAA!! No. 2) Nope.


21) October 9, 2009 6:25 AM... Anonymous said... Do you feel old? Are you still seeing Miss It's everything and it's Nothing?

1) Alas... yes. 2) Yup.


22) October 9, 2009 7:58 AM... Anonymous said... Do you think Obama should have won the Nobel Peace Prize? Do you think he has REALLY done anything of note to this point?

1) No. 2) Yes.


23) October 9, 2009 8:24 AM... fbintx said... Do you like this gig? Do you like your job? Do you like being chief of police?

1)... yes-ish 2) Yes 3) What? No.


24) October 9, 2009 9:53 AM... Julie said... Hey Chris! Looking at the comments you've received so far, it looks like you've really opened a can of worms :) 1) Have you heard from Trish since she's gotten married? 2) Do you expect to ever hear from her again? Have a great week! Julie

Hi Julie! 1) Sure. 2) She always comes back. Have a great week too, baby.


25) October 9, 2009 1:35 PM... Anonymous said... Will the new FCC crackdown on bloggers affect you? Will you get another column at a wrestling site if it does?

1) Nah. 2) Never.


26) October 9, 2009 4:20 PM... Anonymous said... Are you going to update BlOCTOBERFEST soon? Will you let me marry you? No man love or anything, I just want to hang out with you and absorb some of your awesomeness.

1) No. 2) No, sorry.


25) October 9, 2009 5:43 PM... Lester Graves said... Would you have sex with someone that is totally hot if you knew for a fact that you would get a (treatable) venereal disease from her?

1).... hmmmmm.... no


26) October 9, 2009 9:56 PM... Scott_NM said... Did Trish give you any kind of a wink/nudge/tug on the ear when she hosted Raw? Follow-up: Do you wish that you could have got her to do something like that, not so you could brag about it, but just to have the personal satisfaction and internal grin?

1) No clue. Didn't watch it. 2) She did already... so no.


27) October 10, 2009 9:33 AM... Anonymous said... Do you write anywhere else on the internet under a different name?

1) No.


28) October 10, 2009 11:13 AM... Ken said... Did you ever go to college? Did that help you get your current job?

1) Yes. 2) Yes.


29) October 10, 2009 2:59 PM... Anonymous said... Phrased in a yes/no question: Do you realize the longer your posts are the harder it is to find the comment thing? Because, seriously, most people aren't going to sit through a chapter book masquerading as a blog, right?.

1) Yes. See above. And stop fucking whining.


30) October 10, 2009 7:16 PM... MorninWood said... Um, DO YOU realize that some of us that have been reading you for a long time don't care and are smart enough to find the "comment thing" because we aren't as stupid as some other folks that would call this a chapter book masquerading (which I am shocked they spelled correctly) as a blog and that we are very happy to get long posts from you because that means there is more Hyatte goodness to absorb? And ever gave money to a charity?

1) Yes. And awwww. 2) Yes.


31) October 11, 2009 9:20 AM... Anonymous said... Is your Hyatte persona close to who you are in "real life" Would you ever use Hyatte to pick up a woman that new who Hyatte is?

1) Yes. 2) Sure.


32) October 11, 2009 5:21 PM... Anonymous said... Are you ever gonna answer these questions? Are you ever going to blog regularly again?

1) Uh huh. 2) Uh uh.

Welcome to Blogtober! (UPDATED a few times... 10/5 and 10/6. UPDATED 11:30 AM; 2:00 pm; 10:30 PM)

Looky here:

There are times when I want to blog all the time and you and I have a nice give and take/back and forth thing going. Then there are times when I just want to hit the fucking delete button and be done with it. But I don't because, well, you never know when this thing might come in handy.

Currently, I don't feel like blogging, so there will be gaps between posts. And now the obligatory reminder that this isn't a column and I am not required to deliver anything and blah blah blah...

You ever notice that the longer my posts. The more posts I do that have actual content, the less you all respond? If I continue to write here and end up puking up 2000 words, it'll take a month to hit 50 comments. But if I stop right now, I'll hit 100 by Wednesday. Of course, 74 of those 100 will be just one guy posting dozens of times anonymously, but still.

****************

Anyway, let's try this. For the next few days, you may ask me ANYTHING and you will get a 100% true answer. I will be honest and open and all the way truthful. No lies here. You may also ask me one follow-up question of which I will ALSO answer 100% truthfully, to the best of my abilities.

Here's the catch. They must be Yes or No questions. I will say nothing but Yes or No... but they will be 100% honest. Yes or No is all you get. Not a letter more.

AND ONLY TWO QUESTIONS PER CUSTOMER. If you post a list I will just answer the first two and then move on.


Might be fun.

***************************************

Wrestling Stuff

In TRUE WWE form, the whole "Guest Host" gimmick is both brilliant and ridiculously short-sighted at the same time. It's brilliant because it does get a guest star to appear on Raw every week, and depending on where the host comes from, gets a variety of different media sources talking about pro wrestling every week.

Well... heh, making FUN of wrestling every week, I should say.

But its a neat idea. I like that Ben Roethlisberger is raising shit with the sports media and his own Coach by taking a guest host gig tomorrow wthout telling him, and bringing his whole offensive line with him. I also like that the previous week, that loudmouth Al Sharpton showed up and managed to make the whole locker room stand up and applaud him for doing next to nothing his whole life other than get behind causes that serve his needs more than anyone elses.

And its a hoot to see these little actors run around like unaware assholes. Seth Green looked like a 12 year old kid out there.

But then there is the part where the Guest Host just fucks the WWE in its own ass. Bob Barker had no idea where he was. He just knew that he was getting paid to do a spoof on his own gameshow and that he'll get 5 minutes to seriously plug his book. That's it. All these morons are spoting on about how GREAT he was on Raw. Of COURSE he was great... he's been in front of the cameras for over 35 years... he didn't need to know anything about where he was and he could've winged it on autopilot. He was probably wandering around backstage asking everyone when Lou Thesz was showing up.

Barker is such a seasoned pro, he could read a Chinese phonebook, mispronounce every single name, and still do a fine job. He didn't know WWE, and he still doesn't.

And then there was Jeremy Piven, who does not follow wrestling at all. Called "SummerSlam", "SummerFest", and was probably thrilled that Kelly Kelly had better coke on her then he did, and who didn't need much convincing to spread for him.

The more unique a giuest host they score, the more they look like a third rate trailer trash outlet. In the "talk show" game, where everyone sees your place based on the quality of guests you book, WWE is on par with "Chelsey Lately". In other words, they get D-List celebs who have to beg to get on Jimmy Fallon.

Which doesn't exactly kick open the doors of Hollywood for these folks.

So... you get media coverage (but not the best kind), a way to convince yourself that you are still a giant PULSE on heart of pop culture (you're not) and you give the fans a fresh, interesting reason to tune in every Monday (of course, they want to see WRESTLING, not the Big Show square off against someone new every week). ANd if no stars are available, you book retired wrestlers for a more traditional episode... and get to see yoga intructors... nevermind.

It's a great concept... and makes them look every bit as low rent as they constantly fight against.

But its all for the kids, anyway. WWE is a PG show! For the KIDS! No one is actually TELLING the kids this... as their core audience is still 25-40 year old leftovers from the late 90's. And the kids are busy watching UFC, like most everyone else.

Meanwhile, I'll be watching the "Hell in the Cell" PPV tonight. I want to see how they book THREE cage matches and make each one interesting... without blood.

Without blood. Jesus.

(HOURS LATER)

-It wasn't bad, wasn't sensational either but these PPVs rarely are.

Punk vs Undertaker wasn't exactly a "Hell in the Cell" match. It was a fairly strait forward match with a cage around it that they hardly used. I don't think 'Taker's gonna make it to 20-0 at Wrestlemania. He's barely moving... like, he's Kevin Nash-immobile.

Ironically, like Nash, Taker's in the best looking shape we've ever seen him. Really nice and fit from the waist up.

Punk's main problem is that he still sells like he's in the Indys. His facial PAIN expressions are borderline parody, like he's just goofing around and mugging for the fans. He needs to take it down a notch.

I guess even though they need the future, they aren't ready to put Punk quite over the big guns. That Russian dude, Vladimir Koslov, oh sure, he can pin Taker clean on free TV with no response, but their ain't no way Punk can get a little shine on with a major win.

Punk is fucking Lita. Oh there has GOT to be assplay involved - some dirty, kinky sex going down between those two. The way he scores around you have to figure he landed Stratus. And Batista got some of that too. Just saying.

By the way, Punk is hailed as the "First Ever Straight Edge World Champion"... heh... ha! Nice to see them admit all the other champions were juiced up coke-heads.

-Dolf Ziggler, when his hair is sweaty and flopping around, looks just like Jeff Jarrett. Interesting choice.

John Morrision looked quite pale while wrestling the heavily spray-tanned Ziggler. I'll bet a lot of money that this was Morrison's biggest concern when he watched the replay. "Aw maaan, I look like fucking Caspar!!"

-I noticed with most Diva matches that they work very deliberatly. Not much chain wrestling or sequences here. Lots of slow moving between spots. Crowd was dead for this, too. So was I. Who's this black chick?

-LOVED the tag championship match. It's what this company does very well, mixing big guys with little guys and telling the appropriate story with some good twists. It also helps that the Big Show always does what's right for business and knows that he can sell for Mysterio and still look monstrous.

Part of the fun of watching Batista nowadays is waiting for the next muscle to peel off the bone. I'm guessing the triceps... by Christmas.

-This was... BY FAR... the most enjoyable Randy Orton match I've ever seen. He can give lessons on how to make facial expressions and still sell but without leaving his character. Punk should be made to study Orton's work. The fans are popping for the guy because he is fresh, a new kind of character, something we haven't seen before, and he's the character from the second he steps out there to the second he leaves.

Seriously, I'm talking Austin, Rock, 80's Piper unique. One of a kind. And the fans want so badly to cheer him... but the WWE won't allow it. Cena is their poster child... that fake, marketed, puppet Cena who smiles nice and brings in those kiddies they want so bad. Orton is an original; Cena is a marketing gimmick. And the fans know this.

This was ANOTHER match that was barely a Hell in the Cell. Nothing was accomplished that couldn't have been done without a cage. Except Orton won clean... thank God.

-I was taking a big shit during R-Truth vs Drew McIntyre. The match was over before I finished the loaf.

-The Miz is starting to grow on me... and a lot of people I assume... and he can cut promos as good as anyone in the business, which will serve him very well...

... but he's not main event. No shot. He can have a lovely mid-card career and can cut awesome promos... but he'll need a huge makeover to be taken seriously. I don't see him moving up to the next level. Let's just hope he doesn't end up crying about it on Twitter or whatever the next big social network gimmick will be next year, like Matt Hardy does.

Jack Swagger fascinates me. First, he comes out and pounds his chest like a retarded King Kong. He's got these gigantic teeth that his lips have to stretch to cover... and can't stay covered for long as ou always see them pop back open. He's always bigger than he appears and is usually booked as a Brock Lesnar like monster athlete.

And I think they would LOOOVE to crown him the "Next big thing", but they are very careful about pushing someone to the moon like that again.

He'll never be a face, that kid... too snarky. Even his smile is fake... with all those teeth.

Anyway, Kofi Kingston keeps his belt, which is strange since of the three in that match, his character has the least vti of development. "And here's Kofi Kingston, a Jamaican flyer who likes to have fun!" That's it. Take the title off him and he's still smiling and having fun and looking like he should be serving me and my girl Pina Coladaz at the Resort with hardcore bloodshot eyes.

-Now... see... DX vs Legacy was a Hell in the Cell match. They told a cool story that featured Shawn getting trapped in the cage wit the two of them while HHH was kind enough to pretend to be knocked out for a while.

Punk should watch HBK tapes too, especially from the last couple of years, on the art of working a match with expressions. It will become vital when the body can't go 100 miles per hour all the time anymore and yet you still want to deliver excellent matches.

Sheesh, how much hair did HBK leave in the ring after his Undertaker Wrestlemania match? Boy's losing it by the handful now. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW, SHAWN???

HHH managed to break into the cage and save the day, but it made sense and the kids looked good. And it was a true Hell in the Cell match which did play up the special brutality of the gimmick.

And Orton won my heart. He could be the One, if they stop ignoring the cheers for the fucking guy.

Alright... there's some analysis. Hit me with the Yes or No questions... or comment on what I just talked about. Or don't comment and maybe I'll post again before Halloween... if you're lucky.

By the way, for Halloween I'm going to be a Yoga Instructor. Just need a brown wig, lots of makeup, and I'll spend the night trying to bend over backwards and form a bridge... and wipe out each time.

Heh heh heh... ho ho ho.... ha.

************************

Heh. I crack myself up.

So let's answer some questions. And I'll give a little clue here: My answers, simple as they are, sometimes are not so simple.

1) 1) October 5, 2009 8:29 AM... elmarko said... are you actually female? Is Flea a real person?

No. Yep.

2) October 5, 2009 11:14 AMAnonymous said... Are you one of the writers on 411 mania but go by a different name? Do you really know Trish Stratus?

1) HA... fuck no. 2) Yes

3) October 5, 2009 11:36 AM... kris said... Have you made more than $5000 total writing about wrestling on the internet?

No

4) October 5, 2009 12:04 PM... Arrakis said... If..."a woman"...offered to spend the rest of her life with you, would you give up your real name?

... uhh.... yes?

5) October 5, 2009 1:09 PM... Anonymous said... Two questions then. 1. Are you actually a woman? 2. Are you bitter?

1) WHAT??? NO!! 2) Nope.

6) October 5, 2009 1:41 PM... Moonage Daydream said... If you knew for a fact that you could get away with it, would you kill somebody?

No

7) October 5, 2009 1:55 PM... Tilly said... If any of us met you in real life, without knowing your online persona... would we like you? Does any part if you regret what you've written online in the past... like, for example, the Mark Madden's mom comments?

1) Yup. 2) Nah.

8) October 5, 2009 2:55 PM... Anonymous said... Or loved and lost. Sorry man, I'm totally fuckin high.

Understood. Yes.

9) October 5, 2009 3:17 PM... P. J. said... If human feces was identical on a molecular lever to your favorite food, would you eat it?

.... no...

10) October 5, 2009 3:33 PM... Anonymous said... Have you ever heard anyone mention Hyatte, or the IWC in general, in the course of your "real" life?

Hmmm.... Yes.

11) October 5, 2009 3:56 PM... Jay said... As for my question, and since it has to be yes or no I'll phrase it like this: do you a PG version of the WWE can ever reach the heights of popularity and mainstream recognition that the attitude era did?

No.

12) October 5, 2009 4:10 PM... Anonymous said... Have you ever been arrested? Is Flea a millionaire?

1) No. 2) .... yes?

13) October 5, 2009 4:39 PM... Christopher said... Do you work in a professional office environment? -I have this image of you working in a cubicle during the SCOOPS days and just pounding out the mop-ups before a big meeting the next day.

Have you ever gone 500 or more miles away from your primary residence at that time for pussy?

1) Nope. 2) Si.

14) October 5, 2009 5:57 PM... Anonymous said... 1. have you ever met trish stratus in person? 2. if so have you ever been alone with her?

1) Yeah. 2) No.

15) October 5, 2009 7:24 PM... Does it matter said... Did you pick the yes/no format to avoid real answers?

1) No, stupid.

16) October 5, 2009 11:48 PM... JesseBaker said... 1. Given how he turned into a batshit crazy stalker with a chip on his shoulder, do you regret taking Josh Grutman under your wing and giving him his big break on 411Wrestling/Inside Pulse 2. Did you ever freak Trish Stratus out with your devotion to her?

1) No. 2) Nah.

17) October 6, 2009 12:07... Sean said... 1) Has Trish ever given you a clear indication that she reciprocated the way you feel about her? 2) Would you ever spill the details on your "relationship" with her?

1)... heh... yeah. 2) Nope.

18) October 6, 2009 12:47 AM... Anonymous said... Do you have a kid? Will you ever talk about her/him?

1) no. 2) no.


Aha, and with the answers, more questiona arise. This might end up being fun.

*************************

19) October 6, 2009 1:15 AM... Anon-E-Mouse said... Have you ever wanted to bitch-slap somebody over a comment they left? Would you want to hang out with anyone whose posted here?

1) Oh God... YES! 2) Sure.

20) October 6, 2009 1:20 AM... Factor said... Could Ace of Base been HUGE if they had not been blinded by that damn Sign? I mean,with all the living in danger they were doing?

No.

21) October 6, 2009 9:49 AM... Anonymous said... Did you attend college at any point?
Have you ever heard anyone mention your columns in real life, without them realizing you were "Hyatte"?

1) Yes. 2) No.

22) October 6, 2009 11:25 AM... Anonymous said... Do you work in what could be classed, broadly as the creative industries eg. any form of design/advertising agency, anything connected to tv/film, music or photography, publishers? Are you Trish Stratus?

1) No and 2) What? No.

23) October 6, 2009 11:32 AM... Anonymous said... 1) If you knew for sure that certain female someones would never read you again, would you continue this blog? 2) If Trish got divorced, do you believe you have a realistic shot?

1) Sure. 2) Mmmmmmmmm.... no

24) October 6, 2009 11:43 AM... Ted Kennedy's ghost said... Do you know that Jeff Smalls wrote this week about Tammy and the dude that faked you out? Will you ever go after Smalls?

1) Nope. No, fuck him.

25) October 6, 2009 12:06 PM... Bri The King Of Alabama said...

RE: Smalls. Bit misleading, it was a brief (and pretty positive) mention:

"So last week Lacey Von Erich decided to take on the role as the voice of the TNA locker room by straight up hatin' on the deported Angelina Love. However, since the age of kayfabe is over, Erich was likely reprimanded and had to apologize on her Twitter page. Since then, Erich has received scorn from the IWC, many of my Smallophiles, and most importantly, ex-WWE Diva Tammy Sytch! And yes, this is the real Sunny, not the dude that tricked Hyatte. (Those were the days.) "

Yes

26) October 6, 2009 12:43 PM... Anonymous said... Smalls is a punk... Hyatte should lay him to waste. He should "fuck him till he loves him" Yes? No?

*YAWN*... no

27) October 6, 2009 12:59 PM... Anonymous said... Would you ever take another job writing for a wrestling site? Have you had sex with more than one woman at at time?
(if yes, can you tell me how to accomplish this?)

1) Yes. 2) No

28) October 6, 2009 1:32 PM... fbintx said... Do you earn more than $50K a year?
Do you floss? (you should)

1) Yessiree 2) Well.... ya

29) October 6, 2009 1:46 PM... Anonymous said... Are you a bitter writer? Have you ever been in a wrestling ring?

**This question an answer thing is fun.

1) ASSHOLE!! 5) October 5, 2009 1:09 PM... Anonymous said... 2. Are you bitter?

NO!!! READ THESE THINGS FULLY!!!

2) No

**Yes

*******************

30) October 6, 2009 2:50 PM... Gray said... Have you lied on any of these questions? Have you ever considered attending a meeting of your fans?

1) Err.... No... *cough*. 2) HA... negative

31) October 6, 2009 4:15 PM... Ted Kennedy's Ghost said ... Would you ever consider letting us know who you really are? Have you ever attended an old timers wrestling convention and marked out?

1) No. 2) God no.

32) October 6, 2009 6:58 PM... elmarko said... Right, fuck this. Everyone nail him (her?) with questions about his work industry. We'll never get anything solid out of him but we can finally get a vague idea about that. It's like that game Guess Who or whatever it was called. Do you work in the medical industry or emergency services? Do you work in the banking industry?

Uh oh. 1) No. 2) No

33) October 6, 2009 7:37 PM... Anonymous said... Have you worked at the same job for more than 5 years? Do you get drunk more than 3 times a week?

1) .... nooooo 2) ..... no-ish

Week- End Comment Bonanza!

Now we're going to have some fun!

Linda McMahon is going to run for a seat in the Senate representing the great state of Connecticut. Let's hope. Let's PRAY that it gets ugly. Let's hope her opponents do some homework on her business.

Deaths, murder, drugs, circus animal work-load, no insurance, no taxes, a swiss cheese-like Wellness testing program, her buffoon-like husband... Jesus Christ, they can eat her alive. They WILL.

It's going to be a blast watching THIS campaign.

HA... I will say this, the McMahons have gigantic grapefruits for trying to pull this off. Either that or they are more delusional then even their biggest critics thought.

Why would she invite this type of exposure? Nuts.

This'll be a wild ride. And thanks to the Internet, we'll have front row seats.

And it already began!

Anyway, I have a bunch of comments pulled from the last few blogs, lots of topics covered. Should carry you in for the rest of the week. I have them nice and scattered about so don't look for anything chronological. You asked for it, you earned it. Off we go.

1) August 21, 2009 12:31 PM... Anonymous said... Something you should know about I Miss You Lyrics Title: Simple Plan - I Miss You lyrics. Artist: Simple Plan Lyrics
Visitors: 38398 visitors have hited I Miss You Lyrics since May 27, 2008.

'to see you when i wake up is a gift
i didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same as i do
is a three fold utopian dream
you do something to me that i can't explain
so would i be out of line if i said
i miss you'

Aww no, Patricia. It wouldn't be out of line at all. I know you miss me dearly. It's okay. No... shhh... it's okay. Nice song. Perfect choice. All that effort, just for me. So sweet. Much better than just dumping randomly selected U Tube videos on me. Burying me with them one after the other before I have a chance to check them out.

2) September 5, 2009 5:26 PM... JesseBaker said... On Hyatte skydiving; I have an image of Hyatte in a group of people about to skydiving, saying nothing as the others in his group nervously yap about how they may or may not die from their jump out of the plane.

More like Hyatte was trying to get his breathing under control and trying to get his tandem partner to confess to how much pot he smoked the day before. It was just me and two other first timers and none of us were talking very much.

Remember, we had earplugs in. And my mouth was hardcore dry.

I will say, I didn't bag out of the jump. I took that last step as soon as he said "GO!" No pausing, eyes wide open, ready to die, ready to fly. My trainer said he was impressed. I still think he dryhumped my crack, tho'

3) September 17, 2009 8:30 AM... Anonymous said... Orton's been clean for over a year. Trust me on this

Sure. Why not. His body has achieved the fabled "Saran Wrap" look where his skin has wrapped so tight around his muscles you can actually see where his back muscles end. Maybe he does get to work out twice a day yet maintain enough energy to wrestle every night.

So let's see which opponent gets wind of Orton's past antics with hotel room staff and such.

Actually, he's always squawking about how he takes his main event status seriously and how Rhodes and Orton's career DEPEND on him... and other nonsense.

So sure, he's been clean. I'll accept that. I mean, after all, he's passed all those random wellness tests, right?

You know, he could've been the baddest FACE since Stone Cold, right aroud the Royal Rumble time. But the heard people cheering for him so they had to alter his course so it was crystal clear he was a no good heel. What a shame, he could potentially have exploded. Like, 1997 all over again.


4) September 15, 2009 10:13 AM... Trish Stratus said... I can't believe you didn't watch me on Raw. It was bugging me the whole night and that made be botch my Matrix move. As punishment, the next time we fuck, you don't get to blow your load on my face. (Who am I kidding, I love getting facials from the Cool Hy)

Thanks Dude. Piece of advice, if you're going to try to write in a female voice, try to make it a REAL girl and not like a porn star with the cameras rolling.

I understand that 99% of your interaction with females is by watching porn, but women don't talk like that, unless their drunk and totally feeling you... and you're alone. Over the phone when she's cuddled in bed and totally relaxed... okay, then... maybe.

But generally speaking, don't try to write like a girl if you're getting lessons in girlspeak from Sasha Grey.

5) August 21, 2009 3:13 AM... Anonymous said... i just figured you were too busy having a marathon jerk off session watching channing tatum try to act his way out of a paper bag in gi joe the movie.

Here's another case of the WWE being morons. Rather than produce horrible movies for him to star in (hoping like CHRIST he'll take off like the Rock did so they can have their own little movie star completely under their control). Why didn't they try to jam Cena in this GI Joe movie as the lead actor? He would'a been perfect for the role... and he would've had a taste of mainstream success.

Then again, they would've lost control of him. So the best bet is to stick to terrible movies even 13 year old boys aren't touching.

By the way: Kimbo Slice as B.A. Baracus. Lord knows why this wasn't signed up quick.

By the way 2, 10 times in 10 hours is my spanking record. Sometime in 1987 after school. Of those ten high school girls who did UNSPEAKABLE things to young Hy-Rate in his fantasies... he actually got to date 2 of them. And got zero sex in the process.

6) September 15, 2009 6:38 PM... Anonymous said... She looked good...too bad you blew the deal with nothing to show for it. If you could only go back in time. Is flea still alive?

Sure he is. And his HEEro is currently Patrick Swayze, who did not stop smoking and drinking all the way to the last breath. Raise a glass, Fleabag. Dalton went out with no regrets!! (except maybe a movie career that didn't end in the 90's)

As for she looking good. Well, of course she did. She had weeks to prep herself for her core audience. She wasn't going to go out there looking rough. Are her eyes still pulling away from each other at a scary rate? By the time she hits 40 they will be on top of her ears.

And I didn't blow nothin'.

7) August 25, 2009 7:29 PM... elmarko said... Hyatte, good to see you back, how was prison this time?

Food has gotten better. It was Spring and Summer so the weather was awesome... for one hour a day. And no one fucks with you if you mind your business and offer to write letters and emails for people.

8) August 26, 2009 9:04 PM... Megan Fox said... Christopher, I don't have to admit anything. I can deny everything. And all you can do is deal with it.

You can deny all you want, hotstuff... the time we shared is/was OUR time and I don't care who thinks what. Never did.

This girl needs to make a lot more movies before she can be the next Angie Jolie... but holy crap is she beautiful.

9) September 2, 2009 11:17 AM... Anonymous said... HYATTE HYATTE PLEASE COME BACK
HYATTE HYATTE TOUCH MY SACK

ANONYMOUS ANONYMOUS TO YOU I THANK
ANONYMOUS ANONYMOUS NOW YOU WILL GOBBLE MY CRANK!!

10) 10) September 2, 2009 3:00 PM... stewie said... So tell them about Summer and Tanya

Them, Stewie? THEM?? Not You?? Why are you frontiog like you know stuff?

Okay, so you tell "them"? Mr. Insider.

11) September 3, 2009 2:13 AM... JesseBaker said... Leno's 10PM show is going to be a trainwreck of epic proportions. If it bombs BIG TIME ratingswise, NBC is fucking screwed for this season. Only Leno's new show's cheapness to make and possibly the network's inexplicable hard-on for Leno, to the point that they truly believe the apocalypse will come and NBC BEING WIPED OFF OF THE FACE OF THE EARTH if Leno would go onto another network, will keep them keeping it on the air if the show gets massacred in the ratings. The only thing in it's favor, at least out of the gate, is that none of the other networks seem to be prepping up big name shows to go opposite Leno. But with Cable, it's still literal suicide on NBC's part.

Take it easy little trooper. Leno is going to do just fine, but not incredible. He'll win some nights and lose a lot of nights too.

His 11:30 show was so big because lots of the country tuned in to hear his take on the news. They liked that 15 minute monologue knocking back the world's events in safe, easy joke form. Whether they stayed past it depended on what star he had on that night. Either way, Jay's audience liked to turn in around midnight.

With Dave Letterman, you watched the show if you liked DAVE. Period. If you didn't, you went to Leno... or any one of the hundred alternative channels.

What is troublesome about Leno's new 10 p.m. slot (And Jay really should thank Conan O'Brien for this... he wanted 11:30 and muscled NBC into giving it to him. He probably never realized it would bite him in the ass HUGE), is that if it is a monster success (and it saves NBC LOTS of money, so even so-so ratings mean they turn a profit), then it'll spawn a revival of other "variety shows" from other networks. I mean, Leno isn't doing anything NEW here. Ed Sullivan was the biggest show on television for about 20 years.

But their are script writers and REAL TV producers who are going to want Leno DEAD if his show takes off. His easy going, no-script, non-story 5 hours of prime time a week takes 5 hours of network prime time away from real storytellers. With Leno on, we may miss the next "Lost", or "Cheers", or "Seinfeld", or "CSI", or anything else that is groundbreaking television. That's not good.

Leno eliminates the New and the Creative from ever coming to free TV. That's why his show is so dangerous.

After all, when "Survivor" smashed all the ratings, and led the way for hundreds of other "reality TV" shows to go on air without a paid writer in sight, it left LOTS of top notch writers with brand new ideas left out in the cold. Now Leno could potentially help take off even MORE network real estate.

Foir the sake of creativity and televisoon evolution, Leno has to bomb... but the reality is, he'll have really good Mondays and Thursdays and have just ok Tuesdays and Wednesdays and have abysmal Fridays. And Conan O'Brien will have NO guests to book.

And people will start liking Dave Lettewrman again.

12) September 7, 2009 11:26 AM... Anonymous said... Hyatte on Twitter. Coming soon?

Fuck NO!!!!

Only celebrities, both real and sort'a real (which describes every single wrestler out there) can find Twitter useful. It allows them to pretend to show their fans an inside glimnpse of their day to day activites but, of course, really doesn't.

My FAVORITE Twitter ad isn't a Twitter ad at all... it's that commercial for that cellphone company where a family with two teenagers are on the porch and "Dad" is snickering as he "tweets" "I am sitting on the porch" and his MORTIFIED son is all like, "I KNOW You're sitting on the... SIGH." Meanhile the "Mother" is burying the daughter's Facebook page with "I Love YOU" on her "wall" and the daughter is totally embarrassed.

Maybe I'm old, but I completely LOVE the idea that parents can use Facebook and Twitter as ways to RUIN their kids with thier friends. I cracks me up every time.

You notice the people hate Twitter more than Facebook and poor, obsolete, MySpace? In 5 years, VH1 will do "Remember the OO's... 2009" and we'll have sorta' known but not famous celebrites laugh about how Twitter took the world by fire... and then died very quickly.

I like the poeple who first do Myspace, then does Facebook, then does Twitter... and is still talking to the same exact people on one that they talked to on the other. Twitter is for people too lazy or stupid to blog fully.

13) September 6, 2009 2:12 PM... Jay said... Ever had your asshole licked by a fat man in an overcoat?

Well, how do you think I met my current girl!?!?

14) August 21, 2009 8:10 AM... Papa Guido said... "I know in my world, I could use a decent break myself." A break from furiously masturbating into old socks and crying into your microwaved dinner? Why....?

No, stupid. You use your old socks and havr sex with your microwaved dinner. Didn't American Pie teach you ANYTHING??

15) September 7, 2009 11:48 PM... Tony Majestic said... "Hyatte deals in half-truths?" What is he, Satan? As written by George Lucas?

You know, the greatest trick Hyatte ever pulled off is convincing the world that he didn't exist.

That, and "You can't win, Anonymous poster. If you strike me down I will become more possible than you can possibly imagine."

16) September 9, 2009 12:55 PM... Mad Drunk CM Punk said... Hyatte Point taken and appreciated, but what happens if someone in the IWC takes a shot at YOU? You gonna stay quiet? Not fight back?

Punk, I stopped doing columns almost 3 years ago now and no one has taken shots at me save for you nice posters. This isn't a scenario I'm terribly worried about.

17) August 21, 2009 11:42 AM... Anonymous said... My wife gave birth to my first son while you were gone. I named him Chris Hyatte. 50% of this story is true. Welcome back.

So... you're wife gave birth to your mailman's 3rd bastard child and meanwhile, you named your fat manboobs Chris and Hyatte? Good for you, son!!

18) September 14, 2009 10:47 AM... Julie said... Nice blog Chris. While I agree with you about Jeff Hardy - I'll also say that he was entertaining as hell in the old days. Lately (and when I say lately I mean sporadically in the past few years as I have almost all but given up on watching wrestling all together) watching him has been a sad experience...definitely not the entertainer he used to be.

Gray - I agree with you about Kanye - what an ass! I'm hoping that someone tells off this load of horsecrap. What a rude fuck he is!

Have a good week!
Julie

Ah Julie, my darling. Kanye fell deep into a case of, "Hey, I got a great idea!" and went ahead and did it and it all backfired on him. At the time, I'm sure he thought it was a GREAT idea that would get everyone talking!

Well, they talked. I think he just thought it would be a case of "Kanye being Kanye" and everyone would be amused. Thing is, he did it to an innocent 17 year old who's idea of shocking was a performance where she tore off her overcoat to reveal.... a long, body hiding red dress. He didn't think everyone would rip him up for this.

19) September 7, 2009 5:31 PM... Gray said... There is no way in hell I'd jump out a perfectly good airplane. If I wanted the thrill of risky behavior, I'd fuck Fergie.

Excuse me, Sir. Her face may not be much but her body is slamming... and she knows how to WORK IT.













That's a fine piece of slightly moldy lettuce.

And, the broad can SING



Strong lyrics... deep impressions are made.

And Will I Am's gonna hook us up a few years down the road. If he doesn't lose all his money fighting plagerism lawsuits, that is.

20) September 11, 2009 1:26 PM... Anonymous said... Weird... I think I might know Hyatte in real life...

Nooooooo you don't.

21) September 8, 2009 12:53 AM... Anonymous said... Hmmm...Hyatte, if your goal with the blog is to antagonize the people that read it, it's working I'll give you that. But what happens when this "audience" grows tired of it and stops coming back?

I don't know. 11 years and no one's left yet.

I'm outtie. See you next week.

Hardy Har Har

The Ongoing Monthly thing is boring me. And wqhen I'm bored, you get cranky because posts aren't made. It is how it is.

In case you're wondering, I'll be watching Tom Brady lead the New England Patriots against T.O. and the Buffalo Bills on Monday Night Football tomorrow night. I don't care WHO is the "guest host" of RAW tomorrow, (and quite frankly, I've given her enough of my time and attention with NOTHING to show for it, so blah... let me know if she blows a few promos. Besides, she'll have enough marks online telling her how awesome she is. Her husband probably will sleep through it, but her lemmings will flip).

This is Brady back with something to prove... and job to finish, and a magical season pissed away in one game to redeem himself with. A fucking carnival act that breeds nothing but contempt for its audience takes a DISTANT second.

This WWE company amazes me. They clearly market their product based 100% on ignorance. "Hey, are top stars obviously pump about 4 gallons of steroids in their veins a week, but they make us money so we'll look the other way when they hand over a cup of the costume designer's piss for testing. (Or do you really want to tell me Triple H, John Cena, and Randy Orton are clean? Really?), but we are FAMILY entertainment! Bring the kids! We're ROLE MODELS!"

Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy just got nailed on possession and intent charges. The pain kills are one thing... it's the traces of coke on the scale (paraphernalia) that's got him locked to rights. If not a scale, then a snort pipe... or a tiny mirror... or a fucking twenty dollar bill all rolled up.

Sorry, FIVE dollar bill, this is trailer trash we are talking about.

No, I don't think Hardy was selling anything... but he was partying... heavy and a lot and with friends. And one of them probably got pulled over with some of that blow Hardy had... and he flipped on Hardy for a lesser charge. That's how it generally works,

Good. Fuck Jeff Harady and fuck the WWE. They knew what he was up to. They just half-assed bitched at him about it because he made them money. Anyone who makes them a dime is tolerated and looked after. See, Vince never, ever saw his wrestlers as people, just objects whose importance to him was based on how well they drew.

And the wrestlers look at US, you and me, the fans, as just morons who will hand them our money. Trust me, I have a bit of experience at this. The WWE trains their entertainers to look at anyone who knows their name and what they do as potential ATM machines. "If they know us, they will pay to see me work live, I will be nice to them so they will pay extra hard to see me live."

Thats what Matt Hardy does with his 29 social network accounts... works the fans so that they will pay to see him... and so corporate will see how many fans he has and consider him valuable. It's why Greg Helms, that thick ass loser, still has a job... because he works the marks through MySpace and Facebook. It's why that redneck hillbilly Matt Hardy is, like, the ONLY WWE star who actively posts on his WWE Universe account... to create a false sense of fandom.

So, they work the fans and Vince makes them think he sees them as anything else but walking ATM machines... under the rules of whatever fake platform their company wantsd to operate from these days. Now they are PG friendly... good for the KIDS!! And they have Cena smiling from ear to ear and he is the modern day Hulk Hogan.

But the truth is hard to hide when your super heroes kill their families or are drug riddled junkies. It was easier 20 years ago when the Internet didn't broadcast everything 5 minutes after its reported. 20 years ago, Vince could lay a few thousands in a few hands and keep things quiet from that one reporter. Now, you get arrested and the Smoking Gun has your mugshot. TMZ has 5 different camera phones filming the arrest as Hardy is cuffed and led to the squad car (not really, but you know what I mean). Vince is older now and so isolated in his billionaire world that the news doesn't reach him until someone from their public relations department tells someone else, who tells someone else, who tells Stephanie, who tells him. Much too late to stop the news.

Basically, its like this... everyone in the WWE knew about Jeff... they looked the other way... he partiend hard in his trailer and it bit him on the ass because when yoiu are a dumb fuck, you hanve dumb fuck friends... and now he's finished. His brother is a useless cocksucker who is right now finding a way to parlay this into furthering his career. A lot of imbeciles will defend Jeff even though its clear he is a ridiculous cause to back. His fans will sob and tell him he rules and a great many wrestling fans online will wipe their fake tears and write long columns about how Jeff FINALLY finds the "help he needs". And Vince will start wondering what will happen to him and how long it will take before he can rehire him and use him like a racehorse again because... God dammit, he's awfully popular and there can still be money made off this kid,

And by the way, Hardy doesn't need "help"... he doesn't want help. He is as unrepentitive as anyone I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot of assholes. I hope he dies... not for any personal reasons, but because the WWE has been coasting along on the ignorance of the world for far too long. Maybe this one last death will FINALLY...

Nah... never happen.

Anyway, that's why I'll be skipping Raw tomorrow. If I want to see a yoga instructor I can visit any one the the ten studios within 25 miles of me... at least the ones not out of business.

Later this week, I'll be answering many comments... and other things.

Your Ongoing September Blog

WEEK ONE

The Game Changer

Gravity is a greedy bitch. Superman is a made up pile of FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Thems are the third and fourth thing I thought of as I was dropping like a lead fart. The second was Keanu Reeves is an asshole. In Point Break, he jumped without goggles. So did Roger Moore in one of his James Bond movies. Hard wind can rip your eyes out of their sockets. You can dive buck ass naked if you want, but doing so without SOMETHING protecting your eyes will blind you good and proper... unless you close them, but believe me, you don't want to do that. You would miss EVERYTHING.

The first thought I had? I wondered where I found the balls to take that first step, and thank God I did.

The movies will never tell the truth. You are going fast... FAST. The ground just zooms at you. You feel like you have seconds, and you do... 35 to be exact.

You can't breathe up there very much either. The wind shoves itself in your mouth. You gulp for air rather than breathe, its going in too hard...

...but man, MAN, is it clean air. It's thin, but its babyfresh.

So yeah, you try to fly. Casually, you try to be cool about it, but you make all the comic book poses. This is where you declare that Superman is an asshole. It doesn't matter if you scream it or not, you can barely hear anything. You have earplugs in. Do you REALLY want your ears exploding at 12K feet? No, didn't think so.

I could've been assraped and I wouldn't have known. Not too thrilled with experiencing this with a dude... (and believe me, he was a dude, totally Patrick Swayzeish. I half expected him to invite me out to rob a bank after we hit the ground. I would've gone for it... so long as I got to wear a Warren G Harding mask.) He's on your ass, literally spooning you. If you aren't screaming "WHOO HOO", don't worry, he's got you covered.

The funny thing is, you want to fall all day, there is nothing like it. It's death and life all at once, it's not like you see God or anything, but you get a teeny sense of what He sees, how grand it all is, how remarkable life is. The ocean will never look so blue again, lawns will never look so green. Brown and gray buildings and homes will never look so intrusive to nature.

Then the chute opens and the speed your going is cut by half. Now your heart starts to calm, and it gets easier to breathe, and you can absorb what you're doing and what you're seeing. And its a game changer.

...but I know how it works... you appreciate things more and have this fucking amazing adrenaline high and want to go have the most incredible sex you've ever had... and if you're lucky, you can make the euphoria last for a few days before your normal routine overwhelms you and sets itself back in. But for those first few days after you land safely without blowing out a knee or shattering an ankle... well, they haven't made a rock of crack that could top this buzz.

For a few days, life is awesome. And you make some decisions you should've made years ago. And you start cutting out the pointless. Get rid of the useless. Revamp and reevaluate.

And try to make the high last. Its free and legal and its the best.

The New Girl

Is curvy and nice and funny and a good cook and smart and loves to play scrabble and chess and eats like a champ and burns it all away. And she is normal, not afraid of age, and doesn't look like an anorexic space alien.

It's nothing. It's everything. I'm not thinking about it. I'm just rolling.

And since she facebooks, and since she doesn't know of this blog, you don't get a name or a face or anything. It's not your business. Never was. Nothing I do is. You take what I give you and run with it all you like, because the TRUTH is... oh, wait... I'll save this for later.

The Drunken Lion

I don't know how much coverage he got anywhere else, but here in New England, Teddy Kennedy's death and funeral received 24 hour press.

And they focused on the good while skimming briefly over the bad. What bad, you ask?

Well... he killed a girl. He was driving drunk and dumped a car in Lake Chappaquiddick. He swam to shore and crawled to a bart where he waited until he sobered up before calling the EMTs. Problem was, there was a girl in the car that drowned. Teddy chose his career over another person's life.

And then he played a rather large role in a certain 'Kennedy Compound" scandal in the late 80's. His nephew apparently raped a girl during a party. He was acquitted... but the record did show that Teddy was a part of the party that evening... and was quite ballface drunk during the time.

Then there are the tales that do not make it in the papers, but Massachusetts people have a way of spreading the word. Countless tales of a drunk Ted groping, manhandling, and fondling poor girls, and screaming at anyone who would dare try to stop him.

See, the dark side is he's a Kennedy, the last true one. He's ENTITLED. That's what the fawning press doesn't report... the way they carry themselves as if they are entitled to be above the law, above proper etiquette. On The Simpsons, Mayor Joe Quimby IS Ted Kennedy... why else do you think he has that accent?

But... you hear other things... like the family whose daughter has a rare blood disease, and whose insurance decided to get out of the free care business with her, and how her desperate family placed a phone call to Kennedy's office in D.C. and explained their tale to one of his aides. You hear how they hung up the phone and said, "Well, it's a shot." and expect6ted not much in return.

Then you hear about how, a week later, their doctor calls and said the insurance changed their minds and the girl will be covered completely. You hear how Senator Kennedy made a quiet phone call and straightened things out and got one of his constituentes, without any press or hype, the insurance coverage they needed to give their daughter a life. You hear this story, about a Senator who will tend to his plants as well as the big forest and ask for little fanfare in return.

You read about a Senator who will cross party lines when he sees a benefit for the people. You see a benefactor for an entire, affluent state who often does what's best for his people before his party. You sneer at unlimited terms but begrudgingly agree that he did a lot of good and his state was safe and looked after with him in the seat.

But then you think, "He killed a girl." You wonder about all the girls he groped and manhandled and all the damage he did while drunk.

I'm basically from Massachusetts, and I'm not politically historic enough to open my own argument. So I ask you, outsiders... a question that no one I've talked to from around here can answer evenly.

Ted Kennedy. Did his work in the Senate redeem his private life? Did he end up doing more good than harm?

30 + years ago, he let a girl drown. Did he redeem himself?

I'm curious to hear your opinions.


For the Last Time: The Catfish Takes The Bait (The State of the Blogspot)

Enjoy this, kids, because it will be the last time.

Truth is, I don't care if Wade Keller takes in more cock then an fucking henhouse. I don't care if Jay Powell swallowed enough cum to puke over Bermuda and impregnate half the island with little bald runts. I don;'t care who YOU don't care for and who you want me to... "destroy".

See, I'm retired, its over. And since a Judge already ruled that you really can't hide under a semi-fake name anymore and trash who you want, my timing was right on.

Ask me to "attack" someone else, like Jeff Smalls and Larry Csonka. My answer will be FUCK YOU. Grow a pair and attack them yourselves.

Do you miss the "Old Hyatte" who would burn someone down for no real reason? Grow the fuck up. Suck my cock. He's still here, but he's smart enough to know when to quit. And he realizes that he doesn't have a column anymore.

SEE, YOU STUPID FUCKFACES... I was doing a COLUMN where my job was to CONFOUND my bosses who thought I couldn't draw, and DREW. Widro will never admit how important I was to him... he'll NEVER admit that I gave him the means to open his own web site and do something with it... his problem is that he never did.

Ashish will never admit that I MADE IT POSSIBLE for 411 to be the.... whatever it is today. He's as big as he is and as wealthy as he is because of me... but he won't admit that.

But IT WAS A COLUMN. This isn't a COLUMN, it's a blog. A blog where I don't care who comes and reads. A lot of you don';t get this. It's not a BLOG. I have no RESPONSIBILITIES HERE. I post when I want. About what I want. Period. FUCKING END OF SENTENCE.

And I don't care... fuck them... I know the score, so do they, and so do YOU, if you've been following me for any length of time, you know what I made possible. Who cares... Inside Pulse bombed and Ashish still refuses to offer payment to anyone. He's an Indian, it's normal procedure.

But still, you dumb fucks keep trying and trying to goad me... and sometimes it works... but not anymore. And neither will shit like this:

September 5, 2009 2:18 PM...Anonymous said... hyatte's post, translated:

- "I met someone" - Finally, we get the latest dramatic twist. Something to take our minds off of that time when someone called Grut saying he could walk all over you, then you dared him to "toe up" and switched the blog to invite only. This is just like that time you got married! More comments! More controversy! Wow, I'm commenting too! That might mean I'm falling for it too! Or GAY! And you're still reading this comment! This is an anonymous post and that's a BIG DEAL!

You're so full of shit. Go ahead and tell us allll about your bromance, pussyface. On Monday. After skydiving.

Yeah, Anonymous missed a rather important part of his history here...

The part where I challenged someone to "walk all over me" and go "toe up" and... well, I didn't go directly to "Invite Only"... there was a week or so where I went "No Anonymous Allowed."

And no one answered. When I asked for someone to toss me around like a bitch and to finally EXPOSE ME, I decided that they should sign it with a real ID... I wanted to see if anyone had the balls to come out of the shadows and show themselves. I mean, taking me down and nailing me on my own turf is still something to be semi-proud of? Isn't it?

Yeah, well... not only didn't "Grut" respond, after a looooong period of openness, no one did. Not a one. No one.

You had your chance, now its over.

You fucking cowards.

You'll never have my respect, or my worry, or my attention. Because you proved that unless you can post anonymously, you are a fucking pussy. Chickenshit cowards. No one can "walk over me" becaue the second I make you attach a real name, you run away like fucking mice when the humans walk into the room. Fucking children... gutless little faggots.

I live on my own, pay bills, have great credit, work a job that I like, get laid whenever I want, and have lots of spending money. I made friends with at least one big time WWE wrestler without ever going to a show or stalking them at a fucking bar. She comes to me. You come to me. You think I'm some sort of loser. You're posting, ONLY under a blanket of anonymity because you're a gutless fucking coward, on a loser's board. Makes you less then me, doesn't me... but I knew that anyway... anyone WITH the balls to put a real name to their posts (JesseBaker, Frank, Rich, Byron, Julie, Porn Valley, Moonage, Bruce, Gray, and a few others who know they aren't part of who I am talking to right now) knew it. You are cowards.

Cowards,

So you think you're going to bug me anymore? Run me offline? To what purpose? Who are you going to brag to? "Hey dudes, guess what? I berated a guy on his blog until he stopped posting!!!" Yeah, you know, I sort of see some of you thinking that is actually plausible. Might get you laid, huh?

Fucking cowards. I gave you a shot, you slunk away and didn't return until I bought back anonymous posting. Little pieces of timid dogshit. Useless. Worthless. You're tru=ying to beat up a blogger and can't do it because you're too afraid I might catch you're real name or real address.

Or real IP address... which I can get to, you know. STUPID FUCKS.

So go for it again. Attack me. Talk about how I can be walked all over. Beg me to attack some lame 411 writer with the empty audience Saturday slot. Ask me to goof on Wade keller because he's gay. Waste your time some more. Oh, you're stupid fucking post will make it on here... and maybe I'll let it stay...

But I'll ignore you, like everyone else in your life... you'll be ignored.

See, I don't deal with people who hide. When I attacked, I always had an email address to be contacted by. I always gave someone room to make it real. I didn't hide. I didn't yell at people from the shadows. I was easily accessible. You little fairies hide... hide like bitches. Like little fucking cowards.

Just fucking sit there and think of something blistering to say here and high five yourself if I respond. You know where you are in life and you can only ASSUME... based on what I feed you, on where I am. And even infantasy, you know I am a better writer, a better date, and a more fun ride then you can ever hope to be...

And I'm about 5X smarter than you.

And I could probably beat the living shit out of you in a fight. Just because you watch all the possible UFC programming allowed doesn't make you a bgad ass.

You fucking fairies. From here on out, I only respond to people with balls. "Grut" ain't included.

When I offered you to go toe up, you ran your toes far away. I know who you are now. We all do. You ain't shit. Just little cowards. All you are. Little cowards.

Yeah, stay anonymous. It's now amusing.