Your July Ongoing Blog (Updated July 17, 11:30 am)

Freshly trimmed and tidied up. Click here to remind yourself why I am still required reading

Let's go back to the beginning of the month:

I had wrote a nifty, large piece on Wade Keller, which included several older Midnight News bits which served to PROVE that I KNEW something was up with the guy... that he was hiding something. That there was a MAJOR skeleton in his closet.

And the payoff was pictures of him with his new baby, adopted with his husband/wife/partner by the name of Corey.

The baby's name is Bowie, which means that not a single woman participated in the naming of this kid.

The amazing thing is, Wade found someone even more anorexic and early 90's grunge then him!

The entire point was to brag... in an entertaining way, that I was onto the guy LOOOOOONG before he came out.

And yes, I realize that being gay doesn't mean you're odd. Or that something is wrong with you... but... umm... he IS odd, and so tightly wound that you can't help but wonder if there was something wrong with him. Him being anti-clitorus just provides a big piece to the puzzle.

Then again, he was allowed to adopt a kid, so SOMEONE who watches over this kind of stuff saw him fit for parenting... so what do I know.

Anyway, I posted it, and was happy with it for a day or so... then a bunch of you posters reacted and pointed out just how the thing could be perceived... which was in a way I did not want. I am not trying to launch a comeback. I am not trying to start a new web feud. And I'm not interested in being ground zero for "KILL THE FAGS!!"

In short, its fun to goof on Wade and his meth-head looking, beedy little weasle eyes wife, and their cute little kid... but, really, its still a touchy subject... and gay people have enough problems without some douche like me making fun.

So I yanked it, within 24 hours.

Now let's face it... this is a small little bloggy, it would've taken a good long while for it to make the rounds, if ever... but it did get out to one place... the strangest place... the last place I ever would've suspected.

Someone at a British wrestling fan message bored posted the link.

And the British wrestling fans reacted... well, a couple of them:

- "Wow, who cares? Welcome to the 21st century."

- "One internet wrestling columnist nobody cares about outs another less popular internet wrestling columnist and nobody cares. I love it how he has to stalk some other guy for years and then openly mock him for being gay just to try and get himself over in the IWC. Hyatte is shit."

- "I oughta invoice you for the time I spent reading this rubbish."

- "Does anyone know who this guy is?"

- "First of all, who cares? Hyatte is so lame. Secondly, what he's gonna do next, 'out' Graham Norton and Michael Barrymore?"

- "Never heard of this Hyatte character in my life, started reading his site... and soon gave up. He writes like a bit of a mental."

- "Hyatte outed himself as a cunt."

- "Jesus fucking christ what a piece.. "

- "Well, he doesn't care enough to write thousands of words in a shitty blog about him. Who the fuck is Hyatte anyway? I haven't heard of the daft cunt, and don't even know his first name. "

- "I assume it's Chris but only because it says "Posted by Chris" on his page. Given that the story is basically a long winded way of writing "LOL Keller is a Fag!!" I'm also assuming he is 12."

- "Next he will be outing Pro Wrestling as fake! Stupid prick."

- "When he finally decided to knock it on the head, I thought it was a good call as he's pretty much stopped being interesting or funny. I guess he missed the limelight.
Disappointed he turned out to really be a twat. "

- "As for the actual matter at hand, someone outting someone else on the internet... where have i read something like that before? The guy is simply a cunt no matter what his reasoning"

- "Is this fucking guy for real?? The guy needs a good slap!"

Wow, lots of politically correct rage... and apparently, the British enjoy calling people "cunts". That word never quite made it here in America as a nasty little curse word. Strange.

But its nice to know that the Internet message board tough guy is alive and well. That will never change.

Well, I wasn't about to allow myself to be hammered so hard by a bunch of Brits... I'm American and there are some thing we just cannot allow... its in our Constitution and everything. It's not about them not knowing who I am... I wouldn't expect that anymore, its been too long since I was an active memeber of the IWC... this is about introducing myself to some kids and giving them a REAL reason to be all pissy.

I registered with the board... and the administrator took his sweet, sweet bloody time to approve it... but he did... and now that I have some time, I would like to say hello to them.

This is what I posted:

'Allo mates,

Terribly sorry it took so long to respond but us colonists have busy lives. Keeping our teeth clean and white alone takes up valuable time. Not that any of you would know anything about that, eh? ;)

First, I will go ahead and assume I am speaking to all British people. If you are not from the bloody Kingdom, too fucking bad. You are reading this, I am assuming you are a wanker. I don't care if you're German, French, Austrian, or Scottish, you are here, you suck the Queen's arse. Don't be a bloody twit and shout, "HA HA, JOKES ON YOU, MATE!! I'M FROM SWEDEN!!" I don't care. I'm American and we still own your arse.

So then, my name is Chris Hyatte and I am from NEW England, USA. Since its NEW England it stands to reason that it is an improved version of OLD England, which is where you wanks are currently sitting. Makes sense and an inarguable case. Nothing surprising there.

It occurs to me the coincidence here. You Brits get wind of an American "outing" another American on his blog and pour on the outrage and the hatred on July 4th. You remember that date, right? Its the day we Americans... the Colonies, decided that we don't want to live under the rules and whims of some inbred royals (and have you seen your future King, Charles? How many surgeries did he have to keep his eyes from going cockneyed?) and threw you out... right and proper. We did it in the dead of winter, with little clothes, no socks, ragged shoes, and hardly any food. Your empire was well-stocked with all the rations you could ask for, and we still blew you out of the new land.

So I can understand the fury. We lowly little rag-tag army completely buttfucked you and sent you back to the Queen with giant, bloody arseholes and nothing to show for it. You never really recovered from that have you, mates?

And it must KILL you that as time went on, the people who made you our bitch continued to grow and become the greatest power on the planet. Oh, you knobheads tried to adopt Democracy, shortening the monarchy's grip and establishing a feeble electoral Government, but what does it say when your best known PM of modern times... Tony Blair, took each and every one of his cues from OUR President, the great Bill Clinton? Followers now, followers then, followers forever. I know it, you know it, the bloody WORLD knows it.

So I can understand the vitriol. But, as an American, I must respond. I can't let some lonely, yellow-teethed tossers spout on about me. That would make me no better then... well, you bloody pratts. Can't have that.

See, I come from America. Yes, we are arrogant, but we earned that right when we cornholed you back over the bloody pond, tails rightfully tucked betwixted your legs. We further earned it by bailing out the planet in TWO world wars... including the second one where, by the time we entered, you gits were already sucking Nazi cock and swallowing them whole. Remember that? Wasn't even 100 years ago. One of your silly, inbred Princes clearly doesn't... the way he sauntered about as a Nazi for some bloody Halloween party a few years back. Well done, mates. Long live the Queen.

So, we threw you out, then saved your arses from total Nazi takeover. (Some of us still argue about letting them fully absorb you before taking them down, but we decided to let you hold onto your culture for a while longer. You're welcome.) But I make one blog about a guy who covers a "sport" where naked men roll around all over each other, sometimes covered with babyoil, who introduces his adopted child with his husand/partner/lover and you get all uppity about it. HA! Look, mates... homosexual love is still a fairly strange concept to us, I admit. But we wipe our arses after shitting on the loo, and our toilet paper is soft and plush. I know you bloody twats have sandpaper-like paper to use... and sometimes you forgoe using it. We know you're a lot greasier back there and, thus, more accepting of things going IN rather than coming out. We know, we can smell it whenever we visit. We just don't publically discuss it because of manners. Daft prigs.

So, in short, since you needledicks saw fit to have at me with some proper British bile, I see fit to properly remind you of your place. I am from the place which took the Beatles from you and made them our own (poor John was never going to leave New York, he was bloody done with you bloody norahs). I am from the place where your finest actresses come to make movies and millions and get rid of their stinky accents which we bloody larf at.

But even better, I'm from the place that rejects your biggest stars... Robbie Williams couldn't find success here with a search warrent and a flashlight, we chased him out in a sulk. Oasis almost made it in, but we decided "no chance, nipples" and now Liam runs around shouting, "I bloody didn't want to be big across the pond anyway!"

And poor Freddy Mercury died once it was clear that we like a lot of his songs, but never the whole, flaming, bloody Queen package. He died with a big, bloody cock rammed right up his poopychute, right?

In turn, my gnarly, smelly, Kingdom of low bitches, we gave you Madonna... our modern day sex-kitten/one-woman conglomerate, and you tried to turn her into a prim and proper English mum... even giving her the miserable nickname "Madge". Well, that couldn't last with such a wildcat superstar like her, so she dumped your uptight, emotionally stunted husband (is there any other kind over there?) and came running back home, where she quickly took up with a major league baseball player and then a twenty year old model from Brazil. See, you can't drain Americans like you drain each other.

You can keep Gwyneth Paltrow, though. Please. She's perfect for you. Annoying with a unearned sense of royalty. Keep her, and that overrated husband too. Your Irish neighbor Bono called, he says Coldplay will NEVER be the next U2... and we all agree.

So while you bloody cream-filled gnats carry on about what one yankee has to say about stuff going on over the pond, please remember your place. Below us, needing us, depending on us, and sucking our large cocks with bloody glee because we make your world go round and round. This is not news nor is it up for debate. Its world known. Sure, we are in a bit of a political spot now, but we just hired a new President, our first black one, who is already going about to fix things up. Just sit back and wait patiently, we'll fix this mess... again.

And now that we have put in a black president, how long before you bloody tossers follow suit? Always behind, always following.

And aye, I know at least one of you damn twats who are currently reading this will be dead soon by the swine virus. Don't worry, we'll get to a cure eventually. And maybe ship a few hundred boxes of Crest over with the cure. We are good like that.

And one last thing, will one of you bloddy sods PLEASE tell this daft fool Doug Williams to lay off the Yorkshire pudding? We like our professional wrestlers to not fag out and kill the match 2 minutes in with all his bloody huffing and puffing. Do it and we'll see about keeping William Regal off all the free drugs we have to offer here.

Godspeed, mates. Now you have an excuse to call me a cunt.

Yours,

Christopher Hyatte: Typical American arsehole. And loving it.

_______________

Now I can catch up on comments... and talk CDs.

**************

So let's get this show rolling... to stay in chronological order, the topics will be the Keller thing and how I yanked it, Candice's fat ass, and everybody's pal, Scooter Keith. The death stuff comes up much later.

236) July 4, 2009 2:25 PM... Anonymous said... Wow. Hyatte TOTALLY caved

To whom? I decided that there was no upside to keeping what I had up there other than spending a year explaining why I'm not gay basher. The concept was good, the execution BAAAAD.

237) July 4, 2009 6:41 PM... Anonymous said... i know you probably don't wanna rehash this, but i didn't think you are a homophobe or gaybasher just incredibly....petty. Don't know the personal history between you two and don't care. although gay or not they both are kinda goofy looking. At least the kid has ain't gonna grow up looking like them. You should have gone to different clubs in your youth. She looks like the kind of women who is lurking during last call, looking for a piece.

I just wonder how Wade will explain the strap-on dildo the kid finds when playing in Dad and Dads closet.

I can handle petty. Great comedy can be mined from the trivial.

Candice doesn't look like a last call cruiser at all. She actually looks like a normnal girl in those picks... with gigantic hooters.

Nibbling a little tummy can be a boffo turn-on. Bony bitches are scary.

238) July 4, 2009 9:08 PM... Tony Majestic said... Um...yeah...I completely missed the part that could have been perceived as anything homophobic because I'm not fucking stupid. On the other hand, Hyatte is completely wrong for making fun of that poor girl's weight problem. I demand you remove the pictures of the girl who ate Candice Michelle AT ONCE. And I'm offended that he referred to black males. He must have been saying something insulting, by God. Incidentally, this black male says that Candice Michelle can still get it.

Tony, my friend, like I said in June, the brothers have put up with intolerance for so long that you all can spot a real hater from a mile away. You can tell the real bigots from the clowners on sight. I could hang with you all night and make fun of prison, sisters, large black cocks, and every other stereotype and you'd give it back just as good and not once would you get even bothered, because you know your white brother here is basically color-blind.

Gays haven't developed that ability to differntiate yet, they are still think we all hate them. They also know we are a loong way from putting one of their own in the white house yet. So keep that in mind, they don't have a MLK to preach to everyone yet.

239) July 5, 2009 3:57 AM... Wade Keller said... Mmm. And THIS white male says Tony Majestic would TOTALLY get it. xxx

There you go, then. Bust out the Maxwell House and Elmer's Glue, Daddy Keller is ready to PARTY!! MICHAEL STIPE STYLE!!

240) July 5, 2009 1:45 PM... Anonymous said... When it was brought up previously, I wondered if Wade was in the closet and then I saw in an old post that he mentioned had actually been with his partner for nine years, I was a bit surprised. As for Candice, yikes! She still isn't that bad though.

Can you imagine the scoops Wade would get if he actually hooked up with Pat Patterson? TAKE ONE FOR THE READERS, WADE!!! LET'S FINALLY BEAT MELTZER TO ALL THE HOT SCOOPS!!!

9 years together... and it looks like the spent a grand total of $500 on food.

241) July 5, 2009 2:12 PM... Bigly said... And it has now been pointed out without the lesser evolved sheeple even realizing it. It's socially acceptable to objectify and ridicule a woman but in todays sensitive culture how dare anyone make a gay joke. Gloria Steinem got her ass handed to her by a queen brigade from San Francisco.

Said woman was highly paid to keep herself objectifiable. Then she showed up at a show wearing the same outfit but squeeeeeeeeezed in. And I understand she spent her rehab time partying quite hard with her Go Daddy friends.

Personally, I think she was done with the business once her collarbone broke. And once it was made clear to her that Playboy won't be coming around for a second photoshoot.

Who wouldn't like to spank that booty? Watch the ripples... oh snap.

242) July 5, 2009 3:38 PM... Anonymous said... Oof on the Candace Michelle pics. WWE had to fire her before Shelton Benjamin knocked her up. Is Cryme Tyme still employed? B

I think she was Cena's road cookie for a while, and Cena's women are off limits.

I think Cryme Tyme have grabbed R-Truth and are pulling a night train on Maria. That one has gone ROUGH. Punk got outta there just in time.

243) July 5, 2009 9:20 PMzeekarkham said... I'm a black male that likes skinny women. Along with being a police officer, this sets me at odds with my race at least 95% of the time. Oh, and Hyatte, if you ever come back down to NY, you've got at least one cop looking out for you.

Brother, I have you and a cop on the gang squad on my back in the Big Apple,

But I'll do you both a favor and, when I make it down to the city again, I'll stay out of fucking trouble.

Is Times Square still filled with interesting characters who just walk around asking for money? "Yo big man!! BIG MAN!! WHAT'CHA GOT FOR ME???"

Is Central Park safe at night yet?

Anyway, haven't you seen The Shield ? Black cops are supposed to be self-hating closetted gays who turn to God and find IT DOESN'T TURN OFF THE FEELINGS!!!

244) July 5, 2009 11:27 PM... richardrh said... Hyatte, never acquiesce!

Oh just this one time... and now we know why X-Pac Waltman likes to hang out with him.

And does this Keller thing just make you WONDER about that little midget, unfunny, unwitty, no thoughtful opnion-making Jason Powell? Does he even have to kneel to suck the dick of anyone over 6'2?

245) July 6, 2009 9:31 AM... fbintx said... You might well be attractive. We'll never know. SK really rocks the pimply dork shiek look proudly. Love the black jorts and that snazzy tucked in t-shirt. I wish I could get his autograph.

I'm alright. I've just grown a goatee... makes me look older... and EVIL!!

Again, given how long ago the video was, I can only hope Scooter's wife cleaned him up some and did some shopping.

Frank... why do I think that if you sent Scott a copy of his own book and a self-addressed, postage paid envelope, you could GET his autograph. Make sure you spring for the postage back, tho', or you'll never see that fucker again.

246) July 6, 2009 10:52 AM... Johnny Rodz said... Hi-8, since I posted the Keith video link, can you please, please, for old times sake, just unreasonably bitch about some net writers. I know, I know, it's queer. I don't need you to be detailed, and I'm not asking you to rake up old graves, just, if you have it in you, make some petty stabs at Csonka, Grut, Keith, whomever you like. I just find it theraputic.

JESUS CHRIST, I JUST OUTTED WADE KELLER AND YOU WERE ONE OF THE FEW WHO READ IT!!! WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DO YOU WANT?????

And FUCK LARRY CSONKA!!

GRUT WHO?? HE'S DEAD TO ME!!!

Thank you for not mentioning that Jeff Smalls douche.... I KNOW you wanted to.

247) July 6, 2009 11:45 AM... Wade Keller said... Mmmm. Hey "Johnny Rodz", your comments about Hyatte make me think you must be playing on my squad, if youknowwhatImean. Fancy being the meat in a Wade/Corey manwich? xxx

If anyone knows what to do with "Rodz"...

Oh that poor fucking kid.

248) July 6, 2009 1:55 PM... Drum said... Get ready bitches. Your ass is grass, and Hyatte's gonna sell it at inflated prices to you, watch you smoke it, then piss on your faces. O yes. Cannot wait

Ugh, mate, leave the intraweb promo making to the professionals... horrible set-up. Almost made me drop the whole topic. Weak... Benoit weak.

249) July 6, 2009 4:30 PM... Gordon said... Far as I'm concerned, ain't a problem in the world with how Candace looks. I'm chasing a girl who looks kind of like that right now, but I'm locked down in the fucking friend zone

Oh you poor shmuck. Get out of there, its too late. Its over. You'll never get her. We've all been there... except for "Goodfella", he gets ALL the girls.

250) July 6, 2009 5:34 PM... JesseBaker said... In other news; I read on Scott Keith's blog that the WWE seems to be initiating a new form of bullshit censorship policy that makes removing all matches involving BabyKilling McWife Strangler seem sane and reasonable: basically ALL old school wrestling footage with blood can now only be shown, in black and white in order for the WWE to be able to make all of their stuff TV: PG. Shows on the WWE retro channel are already featuring the new edict. Jesus Christ that's ultra retarded/

Yeah, I've seen it. Basically, when the blood flows, they cut the video to black and white and turn the blood green. It's not horrible, and its actually fun to watch then try to switch back and forth for a ten minute Flair match.

And it wouldn't shock me that a HUGE reason why Vince won't let Flair wrestle again is that he could blow a forehead gusher by accident in a heartbeat. Not good for a PG live show.

It seems the WWE are making these sudden, drastic changes left and right... when, for the last twenty years, Vince ALWAYS stuck to his vision (those 80's Hulk-a-mania days were faaaar more adult then you might remember.) I think Vince is letting too many people influence his decisions. Probably people more on the business side of things that no one ever talks about.

251) July 6, 2009 6:00 PM... Anonymous said... What's the big deal about what Scott Keith looks like (or looked like, this video is at least 8 years old)?

He just looks in that video like what every other average male wrestling fan looks like. A wrestling T shirt, slightly overweight, enthusiastic because he is at a wrestling event and totally unself aware.

I'm not a SK fanboy but I would guess that several people that post here wouldn't mind:

1) Being married to someone or at least being in love with someone.

2) Getting paid/freebies for a hobby - writing about something you really enjoy.

There are plenty of other people in the world that deserve to be ridiculed before SK - Keller for example. Bowie. DAMN.

You have points... but here are a few extra details:

That kid who had Scott sign his shirt, was doing it as a goof for the Scotsman. If Scott was in on the joke he played right along... and I don't think he's that good an actor.

That same kid, was a featured wrestler on that show. This wasn't a legends classic fan fest Scott was at. It was backyard wrestling with a fucking roof. Not exactly Wrestlemania.

1) Being married or in love hasa nothing to do with the topic at hand, as Match.com wasn't even invented when this video was made.

2) I don't think Scott likes writing aboot wrestling any more than I do anymore. He's just waiting for that magic editor to offer to publish a real book of his.

The point is, I think, that Scott really needs to be more self-aware. Trust me, I've spent years working on the guy. None of the humiliation I rained down on him took hold.

But... really... is there anyone here... the fattest, dorkiest, most antisocial reader I have (sit DOWN, Patricia!!) who would go out in public like that? Be honest.

252) July 6, 2009 9:43 PM... Anonymous said... Good stuff... www.twitter.com/seanshannon

Oh leave the kid alone. He's not doing anyone any harm.

*******************

I'm moderating things for the time being because I want to seriously catch up with comments here, so I want to tighten the leash a bit for the time being.

99.9% of anything you want to say will go through. You all know this, you know I'm nice and loose here.

Feel free to leave private messages. And phone numbers.

253) July 7, 2009 9:15 AM... A whimsical Dory Funk Jr said... Surely the signs were there with Keller all along? Not just his effete manner in interviews, peculiar use of "kissy face" etc - but his website newsletter is called THE TORCH for chrissakes!

Torch! Torch song! HE WAS TELLING US ALL ALONG.

Not that it matters..... although if they wanted a zany music baed kid's name, they should have called the wee mite Psycho. See, Psycho Keller. SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

Does he really talk like that? Funk, mean. I remember an Internet promo he cut on Ed Ferrerra, of all people, years ago... and it was something like that.

Have you ever wondered how that old, old OLD man Dory Funk has managed to stay wrestling for so long? I mean, is brother can barely walk anymore... Dory is loads older than him.

Of course, Dory liked to keep things simple, European Uppercuts, looooong stretches of armbars, a bodyslam here and there, and then the Spinning Toe Hold. Boom, done and done... on to the next town.

254) July 8, 2009 12:50 AM... Anonymous said... That Scott Keith video was a Scotsman prank, if memory serves me. I'm pretty sure that is Marky Mark wearing the shirt that Keith signs, which is actually has that original horrifying picture of SK himself on it.

And suddenly, Scooter doesn't look that bad now that we know some skinny Canadian asshole was running around with the creative name "Marky Mark"... what, was "Bono" taken already on the Canadian backyard 90's wrestling scene?

255) July 8, 2009 8:37 AM... Anonymous said... HAHAHAHA! THAT SCOTSMAN!!! WHAT A JOKER HE IS!!! I THINK I JUST WET MYSELF!!!!

Yep, and now, years later, all the both of us do is cater to a bunch of message board/blog posters with made up names. Only difference is I LIKE most of you... even Rinsa... even STEWIE... whoever she is.

Has Dealer Dan lost everything at the poker tables yet? A true gambler has to know what it feels like to lose the deed to the home at least once before he can call himself a pro.

256) July 9, 2009 8:22 AM... fbintx said... uh oh, did you peter out again?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?????

man, even organ grinder monkeys need to sit out a few songs.

257) July 9, 2009 4:54 PM... Gray said... So, I'm a fan of the botchmania youtube stuff. Well, one thing led to another, and I ended up at this: http://www.wrestling-news.com/TranscriptRF14.html

Ah, the Rob einstein dirty talk with a minor chat transcript.

Should be noted that Rob was never charged with anything, and is still hanging onto the ass end of the business, conducting depressing shoot interviews with mostly bitter old rasslers, and forever horny and newly fat Missy Hyatt.

258) July 10, 2009 7:09 AM... Jason Powell said...

"Didn't know Scott Keith was left-handed. So is Barack Obama. And George Bush and Bill Clinton. And Tom Cruise.....and, uh, the Boston Strangler and Jack the Ripper (so they say.....)"

POWELL'S POV: I understand this is all true. And, did you know the late Kerry Von Erich only had one foot? Help me, please. I'm dying inside.

Oh Jason, it isn't you that's dying inside... it's that poor Hamster that Wade and Corey jammed in there the other night. *rimshot HOOOOOOOO

I have to give Hal Jotsky a call.

259) July 10, 2009 10:14 AM... Anonymous said... RIP Hyatte. Very sad news

And thus began one of the most interesting 5 days in this blog's history... right behind the time I announced that I got married.

I may dig into this stuff later tonight.

***********************

Okay, let's get into the "RIP" stuff. I want to analyze and guess how this went so nuts. I won't be offended if you skip this and wait for the next update, but this is all you get for the weekend.

260) July 10, 2009 10:38 AM... Rob said... Fuck. I just heard this too. R.I.P. and thanks for the good times

I think Rob here started it as anonymous 18 minutes earlier and decided an extra oomph was needed, for credibility.

261) July 10, 2009 11:13 AM... Anonymous said... What do you mean RIP Hyatte?

The first sucker shows up.

262) July 10, 2009 11:15 AM... Anonymous said... Dude's gone Pretty young too. RIP

Two minutes after the first post demanding answers, but less than an hour after the announcement. So whoever started it (Rob?), was bored and hung around to see which fish would bite... or if I would show up.

263) July 10, 2009 11:45 AM... Anonymous said... Came here soon as I found out. What a waste. And more to the point, pretty cowardly, but now isnt the time I guess. RIP

Now I just noticed THIS one suggested that I killed myself. This, I think, is a fresh poster who saw what was happening and decided to play along.

Nice touch with the suicide idea.

264) July 10, 2009 11:47 AM... Anonymous said... Where the heck are you guys getting this information? What the hell happened?

Hmm, now this is only two minutes after the post with the suicide floater... same guy just dumping gas on the fire? Blog activity is usually busiest around lunchtime here.

265) July 10, 2009 12:11 PM... Grut said... I heard as well. RIP. Hope you're finally at peace.

I'm tempted to think this really was Grut but I can't imagine why he would still be reading this, or participating. And where are the Jewish death prayers? Not even a decent word that sounds like your coughing up phlegm yack?

266) July 10, 2009 1:20 PM... Anonymous said... Anyone know if he left a note? R.I.P. Thanks for the memories Hi8.

Ah, a couple of hours later, I think this is another new poster playing along. And going with the suicide angle. But, there's a hole here... I mean, OTHER than there not being mention of this anywhere...

There has to be a lot more shock and morbidity when implying that someone committed suicide. Doesn't really work if you just say, "Wow, where's the note? Oh well, thanks for the memories!"

And no one asked HOW I killed myself... which is always the first question. Bad work... lazy and inattentive to details.

267) July 10, 2009 1:23 PM... Anonymous said... Who gets custody of Patricia?

... okay, this was me.

And the answer, of course, is Stewie gets her.

268) July 10, 2009 1:28 PM Anonymous said... Damn fools... what's the deal Hyatte? Or did you start the RIP stuff yourself you prick- if you did do it... if it's true... dayum.

Now the snowball is picking up speed and gaining momentum. And again, I didn't start any of this, but I was enjoying the ride.

269) July 10, 2009 1:36 PM... tom said... Keller had him wacked over this shit? Damn

The cool thing about getting lynched by the pink mafia is they always smell great, and you can pick up some great fashion tips... and there's nothing funnier than a guy with an effeminant voice talking trash. "How tough are you now, MR WONDERFUL!!" "KICK HIM, JEROME... TWIST HIS NIPPLES OFF, JAIZIN!!"

270) July 10, 2009 4:24 PM... fbintx said... RIP

And really, Frank, once you jumped on, I think it added a bit of legitimacy to this bullshit. You being the first "regular visitor" to go with it. People started really wondering now.

271) July 10, 2009 2:48 PM... Jay said... Holy shit!! Rest In Peace x

Why would a guy named "Jay" blow me a kiss? Ick.

272) July 11, 2009 7:14 AM... Damien said... He gave enough clues but still I'm a bit shocked by this as Inever thought it was that bad. Anyone set up a condolence book yet? R.I.P. Chris G

Now, see... THAT is how you work the suicide angle. Nicely done, son of Satan.

273) July 11, 2009 7:49 AM... Anonymous said... Of course he's not dead morons. You are just being wound up.

Well, it took a day, but FINALLY someone read all this, shook his head in disbelieve, and said, "Whatta bunch of tools."

274) July 11, 2009 9:13 AM... JesseBaker said... It's true. And it sucks. RIP

Jesse, I'm surprised at you. Didn't see this coming. I like it!

And I think seeing another regular like you hop on added more credibility.

275) July 11, 2009 10:19 AM... Julie said... OMG is this true????

Hi, Julie.

276) July 11, 2009 10:29 AM...Anonymous said... Julie, dude, it is for real. Poor fucker. HYATTE LIVES! in our hearts and minds. RIP

Yeah, you see... while I like the little nod to the Julie Controversy, it made my death seem like a giant JOKE....

.... SHOW ME SOME RESPECT, GODDAMMIT... AFTER ALL, I WAS AT THE PEARLY GATES TRYING LIKE HELL TO EXPLAIN MYSELF!!

277) July 11, 2009 11:54 AM... Anon-E-Mouse said... I'm calling bullshit here. Where's the supposed confirmation even coming from? Arms-length as he kept everyone all these years, it seems awfully convenient how easily it is for some to back this up.

Now the fun began... after a day of well wishes, it started to occur to everyone that there was no proof. The snowball was flying down the hill and it took a life of its own.

And suddenly, someone decided that 411 was ground zero for this sort of news.

Tonight I'll finish this up... don't worry, I'll skip a lot.

**************

Your June Ongoing Blog

Ahhh you lucky dopes

A full June blog is right here, all in one sitting. Did I answer YOUR question? Was the answer witty, hilarious, and insightful? Go check. All free, all for fou..

Your May Ongoing Blog

Ahh, you lucky fuckfaces.

By clicking here you have access into an entire month of blogging where I decided to, and actually did, post something daily and frequently! Comments were made, jokes were told, opions were weighed. All free, all for you!

So go already.

Sack it to me (Update)

It's shrinking. The growth on my crotch is SHRINKING!!









..... story of my fucking life.

********

There is a lump on the right side of my ball sac. Not on the gonad itself, just on the sac. The skin is irritated.

I plan on ignoring it.

Oh, and I DESPERATELY need to buy some nair. Oooh good lord. Disgusting.

Breaking the Silence

Has it been a day shy of two weeks? Wow, how time flies.

You know who's not cured? Britney Spears. Remember how we all spent 2007 watching her meltdown on Perez Hilton and other gossip sites/magazines? Remember how much fun it was watching her go crazy? Well, she hasn't changed a bit, she just has a tighter leash on.

"Get out there and perform!" her father screams. And she's borrowing cell phones to call her ex boyfriend and manager to try to help her get out of her family prison. But her Dad has restraining orders on them so they can't get within 300 feet of her or some such.

She's a performing monkey kept either in a cage or on stage.

Not that I care, but following this is fascinating, only because there HAS to be a major blow-up coming. Somethings got to give.

Anyway, I thought I'd interact with you by answering a bunch of comments. Its been a'while. I need to write something, just to write. One day I'll find a REAL purpose to this blog, something useful and not just a time waster. Until then, bare with me.

1) April 27, 2009 10:45 AM... Swine flu said... Don't matter where you live. I'M COMING FOR YOU, BITCHES!!

She ain't lying either.

Remember the good ol' days when a swine flue meant how fast you flew out of the room once you sobered up and saw what you just fucked? BOOM!! KAPOWEEEE!! HO, HOOOOOOO

2) March 12, 2009 3:52 PM ... Anonymous said... Howard Stern. Because you haven't mentioned him much since he left FM radio, and you acknowledged him as an early influence. Just curious as to your assessment of his career.

I don't have Satellite radio and, since my radio days are limited to going to and from work (and its mostly CDs there), I can't justify even the few bucks a month it charges. So I haven't listened to Stern in ages.

I DO, however, have his in-demand channel, and I am SO GLAD it isn't constant naked chicks like he did on his E show. I mean, scrambled titties are fine but NOT night after night.

One thing about Stern that his haters do NOT get is that he was never about swearing or low-grade toilet humor. That's not why he rocked. What made Stern awesome was how he got people to reveal themselves. Not his interviews either (although he came as close to making Warren Beatty interesting then anyone else... EVER) I mean with his staff. I mean when he got fights going, when he yelled at people... when he instigated fights and arguments.

There was nothing more riveting, to me, then when he spent an hour getting Stuttering John to fight with Robin, or reaming out Gary for something, or getting Jackie and Robin fighting, or getting Fred to go from 0-60 in about 2 seconds. I know, I know, Jackie is gone and now its Artie, and Howard lets Artie fuck up, call out sick, eat himself to death, or just fall asleep because he knows he can get some real, human drama on his show.

If I had a choice between watching four girls cum on the Sybian machine or 45 minutes of Howard goofing on Scott the Engineer, I wouldn't see one titty bounce.

The rules he broke and the trails he blazed will always be known for the naked girls and dark, toilet humor. But Stern's gift will be that he could have always ran a clean show... one fit for any free, terrestrial station in the land... because he knew how to make real people forget that they were being broadcast to millions of people and were peaking their minds.

These days, Howard is older, and calmer, it seems... but he still has that knack for getting people to be themselves whenever he wanted. He sized everyone up and nailed their buttons whenever he wanted. That is a genius at work.

However, he lost me when Jackie quit, he got divorced, and his show was bracketed by 30 minutes of commercials because his radio station were desperate to make enough to pay his show's overhead. Plus Opie and Anthony were on fire in New York and he was feeling it. All those things together made for a really bad patch of radio in his career.

Oh, and no one made Richard Simmons hilarious like Stern did. And Gilbert Godfried. And Pat Cooper. And Richard Belzer. They all owe their careers to Stern.

Not that he could make EVERYONE interesting... a couple of WWF Divas showed up on the show one day, years and years ago and... ugh... really bad radio... very boring... they wouldn't say anything and got rather pissy with him. Bad segment.

3) March 13, 2009 2:59 AM... Anonymous said... At Scoops, were all the postings by the GF/ex-GF (Amy I think it was in the columns?) legit, or was it more like the fake wedding that you created a few months ago? And if she was real, she didn't happen to be a girl named Kat from Cranston that was obsessed with Shawn Michaels was she? If so, damn, she was wild in bed, but a complete nympho ... something that only took me 3 weeks to figure out that she was nailing anything with a penis. Hmmm, you lasted awhile with her I think so it probably wasn't Kat.

No, she was fake. And while I do not count the first column "Amy" wrote as anything special (although the idea of a guest recapper was soon ripped off by some), the second one where she and I co-wrote the column, and ended up bitching at each other... and her current boyfriend, "Juan" (? Sanchez? Manuel?) showed up and started yelling at me in Spanish... well, I liked that one a lot.

So much so that I would drop him into future columns for no reason just so we could yell at each other. Sort of like how that Chicken attacks Peter in "Family Guy" and they brawl for a good two minutes for no reason, then the chicken takes off and Peter resumes the plot as if nothing happened.

God, "Family Guy" sucks. "South Park" handed them their ASS a few years back. I love "South Park".

The only girl I knew from Cranston was this really tall girl whose name I forget with big, fake cans who I tried to get something going with but was too flighty. I was done with her quick. You have to keep a tight leash on girls from Cranston. You got to constantly remind them what time it is. And if they don't listen, you drop them like a lame chat buddy (ooo, lookit me being INTRAWEBBISH!!). Dime a dozen, them girls.

4) March 15, 2009 3:31 AM... Paul said.... Gloomchen... Did you fuck her or what

No, almost, but no. Could have. Probably still can. Might someday do, but no.

She's a nice gal. Deep down.

You can tell, just from pictures, that her husband has never lifted anything over 35 pounds in his life. There was no carrying Summer over the threshold on their wedding day. I don't think he's very creative in the ol' sacko either.

He's not reading. She is, he ain't.

Nice girl, really. A drama queen, but a nice girl.

5) March 15, 2009 6:06 AM... R. Smith said... Yogi Bear. Why did he always have to steal those picinic baskets anyway?

Because he needs food to survive and stupid tourists from Newark make for easy snacks, but since they are crapping their pants in their Jettas when Yogi and Boo Boo comes around, their lunches will do.

And bears LOVE peanut butter and jelly sammitches.

Ranger Bob was a moron. And I think he was the first gay cartoon character.

I can recall about 100 different episodes of "The Flintstones"... and not one plot from "Yogi Bear".

6) March 15, 2009 10:09 PM... Pound4Pound said... Lady Gaga - just...why [does she exist]?

I DON'T KNOW!! SHE SUCKS!! Just another mouthy broad from Yonkers who created an image that overcomes her less-than-stellar singing voice. And her record company went overboard in selling her on wikipedia: Gaga got her stage name when the music producer Rob Fusari compared her vocal style to that of Freddie Mercury, and took the name Gaga from the Queen song, "Radio Ga-Ga". OH PLEASE!! Mercury, that homo, could sing ANYTHING... ANY KIND OF GENRE... just blow your PANTS off, he did. Lady Gaga is one year away from being last year's news. Ain't shit.

Here's "Under Pressure"... listen to David Bowie. A legend, a great singer, gifted... now listen to Mercury blow his ass out of the water.



Fer crying out loud.

Lady Gaga... she'll get drunk and let one of her dancers or record producers knock her up and that'll be it for her. And there ain't no way she's 23. Bitch is 29 if she's a day. Just 3 years away from hitting the wall.

7) March 17, 2009 4:36 PM... Anonymous said... Chris - LOVE YOU! I know you've heard that Test died. I wanted to get your thoughts on the subject. ~Julie

He had a mother and father. Someone loved him.

He knew what he was doing, he knew the risks, and he went out looking good. For narcissists like that, its the only way to go.

He died alone. You know what, we all do. If you're surrounded by family with all of their hands gently on yours as you go... guess what, you still go alone.

Or do you? Many times people in their final moments (my Grandmother, for one), looks off and for one moment, their eyes clear up and focus, and either shock, fear, relief, or understanding crosses over their face. Someone comes to collect them.

Someone leads the way.

By the way, Julie... $20 bucks says you have a penis. Daddy's too smart for all of yous.

8) April 16, 2009 8:26 PM... Factor said... Chris, How's things? 'Knowing' was better than it's critics treated it. Nick Cage is the William Shatner of our generation, but this film deserves better. Minus Cage as an actor, there is a great deal to talk about on this film. And in a good way. I can't imagine you haven't seen it. This Cage guy is mediocre and incredible all at the same time. You can really feel the inadequacy coming through on screen. He gives the whole range. Better than it received, despite the Cage-miester.

Nic Cage is 50/50 with me. But he's a lot of fun to watch. He's just not worth paying to see in a theATree (hyuck).

Now, I give Cage credit... he does most of his movies now just for the money. He wants to buy a castle, he makes "Gone in 60 Seconds"... wants property in Bora Bora? His agent calls Disney and another "National Treasure" is fast tracked. He's a sell-out and a proud one.

But if you pay attention, you see Cage also focuses on things in every movie that he finds interesting. Can he play a full out drunk and make him different from every drunk every played in movies? Well, he tried to in Leaving Las Vegas and won an Oscar for it. Can he play a reluctant FBI chemist caught in a war against trained mercenaries and make it fun? So he signed on for The Rock . Can he play John Travolta on acid? Face/Off.

Can he play a role where, midway through the movie, he experiences every sensation known to man and every emotion for the first time? City of Angels.

Can he play a genial, decent private eye who has to wallow through the disgusting underworld of snuff porn and almost lose his soul in the process? 8MM?

Oh sure, he takes the money and signs on to most everything these days, but the fun to a Nic Cage flick is to watch and see what small challenge prompted him to take the role. Sometimes, you'll find one.

Damn shame is hairline went all kabloowee on him, though.

Speaking of weird movie roles, but having NOTHING to do with Nic Cage... anyone else watch The Departed and wonder if Jack Nicholson was reading from the script of another movie and Scorcese just spliced him into this one?

9) April 28, 2009 11:50 PM... Big Fat Phil said... Go Hyatte! Really. Just go.

Nope. But I laughed at this, so you got that going for you.

10) April 15, 2009 6:14 AM... Johnny The Cow said... Chris... Is there one match that would make you come back to wrestling for a prolonged period? For the buildup, anticipation, and the match itself? Are there any real "dream" matches left?

Nope. I'm done.

However, dream matches I want to see are the same ones all of us want to see...

Rock vs HBK (oh my Lord, so much more then Rock vs Cena)

And then to convince Sting to come aboard for two years and milk every single dream match we can, I guess.

Oh, and a healthy Bret Hart back to run through a few stars.

That's about it, I guess.

11) April 20, 2009 6:10 PM... Anonymous said... Kinda like SternFanNetwork. Most get on to complain about the show and offer their pearls of wisdom... So that freaky sex club trip in NY didn't happen,Hyatte? Abe

Abe, for chrissakes, go down to the ass end of Greenwhich Village and find out for yourself if your so fucking curious. It ain't evil, just freaky. No one will hurt you unless you ask.

I'll tell the story when I want to.

12) March 13, 2009 3:25 PM... Rinsa said... This your way of deflecting attention away from the fact that you fucked up with the Jericho pics, and your readers called you out on it? Lame lame lame. Try harder.

Oh, would those be the pictures of him posing with Kelly Kelly that you all got on me about for over-assuming wrong things about Jericho the model family guy? WOULD THOSE BE THE SAME PICTURES THAT WERE FOLLOWED UP BY A PICTURE OF THEM TWO KISSING????

Yep, you readers sure called me out... and when more evidence turned up and I was proven right... AGAIN... you all shut the fuck up nice and quick, didn't you.

And by "trying harder" should I be like you, Rinsa? Flooding my comments with attention-seeking bullshit that I end up yanking because they bore everyone, mostly me?

I was right and you, as usual, were dead wrong,

Lame.

Lame.

Lame.

Now go ply your brand of wackiness on Scooter's board,

13) March 13, 2009 9:35 AM... Anonymous said... Honky Tonk Man. Any time Honky comes up it's a great read

Quoting him is a great read? Then go to his site.

The one thing I like about Honky is that he appears to be completely convinced that he's still relevant and a draw (and before anyone says, "KINDA LIKE YOU, HYATTE!!" I will... HA, got'cha!! Cumstain.) I don't know if he still does it, but I used to get a kick out of his announcement section where he would title announcements with "Houston, Get Ready!", "Philly, Get Ready!", "Tuscon, Get Ready!!" Honky was coming to town!

And I don't think he understands that he was one of the worst wrestlers I've ever seen. And that his IC title reign was a rib, possibly on the WWE audience.

He looks good for his age, though.

14) March 13, 2009 7:47 PM... Ken said... Well, we've seen you take shots at wrestling writers in the past, but none of the more recent guys to pop up. Steve Randle has your old Monday spot at 411, let's hear you take him on.

Do you people understand that I DO NOT READ 411???

I have no opinion on Steve Randle because I do not read Steve Randle.

Although, he's had my "old slot" long enough, I think its time to say that I used to have his spot now.

15) March 12, 2009 10:08 PM .... Anonymous said... Al Isaacs. I never get tired of hearing stuff about the guy. From his questionable choice of staff, to his news reports. Also his decision to move away from the red stripe and to the blue and yellow was the real kiss of death for Scoops.

You have to understand, in 1997-1998-1999, Al WAS the Internet. Everyone came to him because he had news, real news that he reported... not reading Meltzer's dirt sheet and writing down what he said (MiCasa) or writing opinion-flaked commentary with an unearned sense of pretentiousness (Scaia). Bob Ryder and Dave Scherer saw what Scoops was and tried to get in on it.

Look, Scoops was so big someone built a parody site as a goof and turned it into a semi-influential entity on its own (ScoopThis). NO ONE has done this since.

His news reports... which had bad info a lot because Al trusted his sources too much (and lately we ALWAYS hear about how often Vince changes his mind... and how Hogan and the WCW millionaires forced Nitro to change their scripts on an hourly basis), were one page... done 5 times a week... were quick and easy and were from his heart. He was a fan first... a legit mark for wrestling. You just don't see that anymore.

And... umm... his choice of staff was mostly my fault. Everyone who came after I was hired (and Scoops was only around less then a year before came aboard) were influenced by me... and wanted to get in what I was doing. Only Rich in KC stayed true to himself... and Freakboy (UGH) TRIED, at least, to be different... but they all drank from my well... and I pissed in it quite a bit.

The Red Stripe died because Al believed what someone told him about selling out... and it bottomed out on him. Maybe things would have been different if I stayed, but I doubt it... I only kept the Mop-Ups going about two years after I left Scoops. I didn't have all that much left in me at that point either.

The guy was awfully sensitive too. Couldn't take criticism.

16) March 13, 2009 8:59 AM... Anonymous said... CRZ - I seem to remember at one point you and he seemed to a mutual respect which seemed to dissipate over the years

Ahhhh... he's a weirdo. Just a flake. And he probably has gray hair... which is fine on manly men like me... but on a dude with 30 year old-obsolete hippie hair? Not so much.

Then add what seems to be a 50 pound weight gain... and a cheesy mustache... and a wife with hands that could crush walnuts. (okay, I'm going on pictures I've seen YEARS ago)... and he was never very fun to talk to. And he's pals with The Rick,

And I was always a much more interesting writer then he was. He paid attention to detail... every... minor... scrap... of... minutia I paid attention to producing an event each and every time out of the gate.

17) March 12, 2009 6:13 PM... Anonymous said... Chris Brown. Because you're a Rihanna fan.

He's more famous now then he ever was before. He'll be forgotten soon enough.

Rihanna, on the other hand, has staying power. She'll be around for a good long time. One wonders if she'll end up obscenely fat like Aretha, a crackhead like Whitney, a completely disjointed from reality diva like Mariah, or have a complete psychotic episode like Britney... or will her nostrils turn into black holes like Dionne Warwick (how snots don't fall out of them things as free as snowflakes on a daily basis is beyond me. Actually, they probably do... it ain't like we see her posing for the paparazzi on a daily basis.)

18) April 12, 2009 10:53 AM... Anonymous said... So tell me if I'm weird...I just banged my girlfriend after banging my wife about 3 hours earlier and all I could think about was coming on here to let Hyatte know.

No, you ain't weird. You just wanted to tell someone and brag, and who better then a guy on the internet who has an outlook on things you can relate to and who is absolutely no threat to rat you out to your wife.

I don't believe in cheating on your spouse, and I wouldn't do it to mine. But life is too short and if you are drawn to someone and fall in love with them, its usually because there is something wrong with your marriage and perhaps you should address that. Or you are just a selfish shithead who likes being evil and doesn't care who you hurt just so long as you get yours.

So which one are you?

Nevermind, I know the answer.

Post your sins whenever you like.

19) April 28, 2009 8:27 AM... Anonymous said... And in Austin - 93.7 KLBJ - morning show is incredible with Dudley & Bob and the Rock n Roll halftime show with Charlie Hodge at noon if great.

No, its not great. Its terrestrial radio and the people who oversee it are so frightening and backwards, that they make the stations eliminate the "K" from Britney Spears single "If U Seek Amy".

For decades, rock stations were allowed to let Roger Daultry sing, "AHHH, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOUUUUU" and somehow, people weren't traumatized and no one got killed. Now, all of the sudden, its deleted... or bleeped... or played backwards.

Morning radio guys are horrible... reduced to talking about how drunk they got over the weekend, or playing song parodies about current events or... God Help us... local politics. It all ties in with Stern. He did things differently, he fought to be unique. The only problem was that he couldn't evolve radio because it had gone as far as it will ever go, and precious few people with the talent to take it further can build the momentum he could. The only thing about radio that President Obama pays attention to is how many people Rush Limbaugh can rally. He's got more problems to worry about then the restraints on free radio.

Dudley and Bob, and I can tell this just by their names, are a couple of assholes. And I'm sure that rock and roll half hour with Charlie Hodge can't go a day without at least one fucking Led Zepellin song... and Stevie Ray Vaughn's "The Sky is Crying" at least three times a week. Fuck them.

Small market bullshit. Meanwhile, I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM POW, THEM CHICKS BE STEALING MY STYLE!! THEY TRY TO COPY MY SWAGGA BUT I'M ON THE NEXT SHIT NOW!! I'M SO 3008, YOU SO 2000 LATE!!! I LIKE THAT BOOM BOOM BOOM THAT FUTURE BOOM BOOM BOOM GIMME SOMEOFTHAT!!!

Ahhh Fergie... 33 years old, with brown hair that everyone quickly ripped off... and can blow that Lady Gaga off the stage whenever she wants. Hell yeah.

20) April 21, 2009 9:33 AM... Anonymous said... Thought you were better on Scoops Central!

Well shit... well shee-it... who don't know that?

Of course I was... but I was painting on a blank canvas back then. And I was playing off two companies fighting tooth and nail to keep the audience from switching channels.

These days, there's only one. He won. He also put his daughter in charge of the creative process, and they decided to hire soap opera and failed sitcom writers to script every word. Things got boring, and drab.

The well ran dry, my friends. Plus, I got busier.

21) May 3, 2009 10:38 PM ... Anonymous said... Hey Hyatte, Can we hear about all the pussy you got in the post prior to this one? Something has to get you talking - maybe the poon is it!

Oooh, do ya want DETAILS??? YEAH MAN, LET'S BRAG ON THE INTERWEB ABOUT HOW HYATTE WENT 45 MINUTES NON-STOP AND MADE HER COME 7 TIMES!!!

How about no. Maybe if it was 15 years ago and I was some insecure kid trying to impress people. But that's not cool.

She's a married girl, tho'. I'll say that much. So I know a little bit about what I speak.

Oh relax, it isn't going anywhere other than a matinee tumble once in a great while. Then I'll move on.

22) April 30, 2009 9:42 PM... richardhouseholder said... Hey Hyattus, Do you ever watch The Office or Survivor?

I wait until the season of The Office comes out on DVD and then I'll watch a bunch of episodes in a row. I have every season. Love it. LOVE IT.

Didn't think I would, either because I have the British version on DVD and was annoyed that America tried to remake such greatness, but then I noted that the British folks were getting serious bucks from NBC for their show and felt better. Love the show. LOVE Dwight Shrute.

And I also love how Steve Carell magically grew more hair in between seasons one and two. Amazing... god bless Hollywood.

Survivor... I don't collect the DVDs and I sometimes skip a season or two. That's one of the nice things about long-running shows which are in no danger of being cancelled... and reality shows... you can skip a year or two and come back and not miss anything important. Same with American Idol. I haven't been paying attention this year because I KNOW there will be a next year that I may or may not watch. No pressure.

The Office, 24, Boston Legal, and Rescue Me are all shows I avoid and grab on DVD. And I plan on never watching a single episode of Lost and avoiding most spoilers and then getting the whole series and just going NUTS.

And this is the fascinating bullshit you people LIVE to read!!

23) April 30, 2009 3:05 PM... P.R. said... Chris, Am going away awhile. Will you still be here when I get back?

For now. You better be a fuckload nicer and more interesting when you come back. You ain't that special, baby.

Well then, I'm off. When will I be back? HA! Why promise when all I do is lie, lie lie.

In other words, I dunno, when I have something to talk about.

Good evening, kids.

And Another Thing: Me & Mark

Special Bonus Update

Jeff Hardy wants to take time off for a while. So as of now he's refusing a new contract.

You think he's thinking how nice it would be to take time out, then come back with a clean slate on his drug test score. Must be nice to know he can come back with those two strikes on his record erased.

Smart junkie, that kid.

First off...

Kai1616, I'm just dying to know what you've been up to and what was up with the cameo appearance a few months back. Get in touch. It'll be fun.

You know...

So just when I get a bunch of people telling me that Texas is the place to be, were I to move, Texas is talking about seceding from the rest of the country.

You boys got some balls, I'll tell you what. And a deep, inner confidence that blows your typical New Yorker right out of the Chili cook-off.

Typical New Yorker, "I'm from New York, greatest place in da woild, you gotta problem wit' dat?"

Typical Texan, "I'm from Texas. Fuck you."

Anyway, I want to continue this in more depth. Tell me where do you live and why is it great/does it suck. Not interested in anything outside the colonies, wankers... and I know that Canada has two seasons: Winter and Road repair, so you Canucks stay freezing and shush. Unless you always wondered where you would go if you were to take a run at living in good ol' Mar'ca

But for right now, I want to talk about something else.

Lemme tell ya somethin'...

Originally, I was going to save this for the end of what you're about to read... or glance over... I thought this was the centerpiece, the climax to the tale below.

It isn't, the climax turned out to be something else.

So here's the news. You know the story, the hard-core rumor that the reason Vince McMahon is so steadfast in refusing to acknowledge the contributions made by Randy Savage is because a long time ago, Savage seduced and fucked Stephanie McMahon when she was just a underage teenager? How he refuses to allow his name to be even mentioned because Savage crossed that one line?

Well, there isn't a single wrestler who was around the WWF at the time when this could have happened that knows if it did. No one has ever heard anyone within Vince McMahon's world mention it back when it could've happened.

Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Big Bossman, Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Scott Steiner, Ted DiBiase, JJ Dillon, Flair, Bret Hart, Arn Anderson, Brutus Beefcake, Gary Capetta, no one had heard anything about it until it became internet lore. No one can confirm that it's a reason why Vince has banned Savage from any and all WWF/E considerations.

And given how Dave Meltzer has spent the last 20+ years making his living on locker room gossip, it would be very, very, VERY tough to sell this secret as being kept cold and locked away from EVERYONE especially this group of locker room politicos. We all know this.

But how do I know this? How do I know that the entire locker room of big name stars from the glory days of WCW have confirmed to never hearing ANYTHING about the Macho Man deflowering the young, underage Princess to be?

Mark Madden told me. And it was a shoot.

Stay with me on this.

MADDEN AMERICA

Gonna tell you a story now. A real life IWC-story.

One thing about Wade Keller is that when you buy into his website "VIP" area, you really get a lot of shit. Pretty reasonable rates, too.

One of the things you get is entry into his VIP Message Board. Yeah, I know, a message board. Whoopee.

So, in the two times I held extended memberships to his VIP area, I posted in his message boards under two names. The first time I ran under the name "Moses Quick"... and it became known that I was Hyatte. And I was an asshole.

Just being arrogant, and cocky, and condescending. I even had my own catch-word. I'd write "Factoid" whenever I agreed with something or said something that was the truth. Like, "Wade's a fruit who likes wearing really tight shorts when he goes roller-blading. Factoid!"

(True too. He does wear spandex shorts, DOES go rollerblading, and IS a fruit. And once told Sean "X-Pac" Waltman that giving up heroin must be a LOT like giving up coffee. Heh... someone go find that Midnight News piece for me. THAT deserves a reposting)

Anyway, I abused and was abused, as we know, there are a lot of loudmouths on message boards, and they didn't take kindly to me.

But one thing I learned, when you're fighting someone on a message board, they will use a LOT of adjectives and adverbs. Adjectives and adverbs makes dumb people feel 100X smarter. "Hey, lookit my intense, immense, horrifyingly, amazingly, intimidating vocabulary!!"

Mitchell liked me, of course, but that was about it. Pat McNeill is ever so amused by me too. Factoid.

But also on these boards was Mark Madden. See, Madden used to write for the Torch way, way, WAY back in the day, and since he's a big "star", Keller gives him a free pass in. (

(Wade's like that, a big cocksucker for semi-stars like Madden, Johnny Fairplay, and Ed Ferrera who occasionally comes in for questions and Lord help you if you treat him like anything OTHER then a major wrestling figure)

Mark Madden goes by the screen name "cornettefan" due to some inside joke that's too old and too long ago to explain. He only posts in Bruce Mitchell's zone (each Torch writer gets his own zone, except for the bad ones who get junked in "The Specialists" zone), and is only there to antagonize people.

Now, my first go-round as a VIPer occurred during and after Ric Flair released his book. Madden's big thing at the time was to constantly run-down his list of accomplishments, and rub it in every one's face that he edited Flair's book.

Sometimes, when he was in full-blowhard mode, he would take it a step further and take credit for writing the thing fully.. Other times in calmer, more reflective moods, he would tell a more truthful version of what his role was with the Flair bio, which was he would go over what was written and made sure Flair's deep carny talk was cleaned up for a more general audience. It was then where I gleaned a peak into Mark's true personality. And learned quite a bit about him, what made him tick.

Anyway, Mark's involvement with the VIP board was merely to put himself over as this mega-successful radio host, newspaper columnist, and former host of WCW Nitro and now editor of the life story of the greatest wrestler ever. He heeled on the board, the board went berserk and freaked, he'd giggle, mock us, and go away for a couple of weeks before coming back and once again write promos on this board telling us about how only he, Mitchell, and Johnny Fairplay (a friend of Mitchell and a rarely seen member of the board) were much better then us. He was living too high on the Flair hog to notice that Chris Hyatte was on the same board with him.

Now, why would he care about little ol' me? Not that I made fun of him in the Mop-Ups way back when. Naaah... it's when I made fun of his MOTHER.

See, from the Mop-Ups (and now that I think of it, I'm AMAZED Al Isaacs and NoSoul let me get away with this shit), to 411, to Inside Pulse, to the DOI, I occasionally explained to Mark all the deviant, depraved, nasty shit I used to do to his mother...

And then once, really sick time, right after she died, I paid homage by letting THE READERS tell Mark what THEY did to his Momma. It was a celebration of life.

I think the high point was when I detailed how his mom cooked me a meal, and how I ate it, then defecated a huge loaf out of it, then made his Mom give the loaf a huge blowjob! Jeeze louise, can't the guy take a joke?

Well, during a lull in VIP grandstanding, I guess Madden snooped around the board a bit and saw who Moses Quick was, and put two and two together.

Here's what he wrote on the Torch VIP section...

that pr1ck hyatte wrote some very hurtful stuff about my family in the past, and the family member in question is now very ill. satire is one thing. obscene slander is another. if slander laws concerning the internet weren't so vague, his ass would be in court. if he ever runs into me, his ass will be in intensive care. same goes for anyone who found what he wrote funny. discussing wrestling is one thing; lampooning an overblown ego is another thing; the stuff he wrote was unforgiveable. it was animalistic.

Then he wrote a private message to Bruce Mitchell and said:

Is that really Hyatte? The guy who wrote about making my mom have oral sex with his bowel movements? Get rid of him plz!

Mitchell didn't. Neither did Keller. Mark went into a snit and refused to post again until I was gone. Mitchell pretty much admitted to me in private that he was awfully impressed that someone was able to actually bully Mark off the playground. "I told Mark that he was out-bullied on the playground", said Mitchell, and then, because he is a schoolteacher, suggested, "There's a lesson for you in this too."

(What Bruce meant was that one day I might run into a bully who could outdo me and run me off the playground. And like Mark with me, I wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Bruce meant well, but he missed a major point: Madden let too much of who he was be known. He showed off his armor and dared anyone to find a crack to pry on. I always stayed quiet about who I was, and never let anything get to me.

Basically, Madden dangled a rope at the board and dared someone to try to strangle him with it. I just figured out where to throw the noose.

Bruce also paid me one of the nicer compliments I've ever gotten off this internet career. He told me I had a voice. A half blind, dead drunk shop teacher at a High school could count on one hand the number of compliments Bruce has paid to other wrestling writers in his life. Semi-high prise, indeed.)

Eventually, after a whole lot of yelling at people and a whole lot of adjectives and adverbs flying around (and a very interesting period where I let Trish piggyback on my VIP account and create her own screen name. It didn't last very long.), and after a healthy amount of time where I would cheerfully brag about running Madden off the board, I was finally thrown out of the VIP board, I believe it was for trying to start an online race war. (Remember the time Vince McMahon came up to Booker T on Raw and said, "What's up, my NIGGA??"? Well, that started a huge thread on the board about white men using that word like that and... well, you can figure out the rest.)

Time passed, I left Inside Pulse and found myself at Declaration of Independents. In my second column there, I believe on request of site owner Sean, I recapped the saga of Mark's mother and her stellar contributions to my various online career.

Mark threatened Sean with a lawsuit. To this day Sean reminds me how he laughed it off and REFUSED TO CENSOR MY BRILLIANCE, EVEN IN THE FACE OF A LAWSUIT!!

(so, of course, the prick edited me ALL to Hell when I tried to make a harmless few dozen jokes about Doug Gentry... little whiny bitch).

Time passed some more, I ended my run at DOI, ended my column writing days, retired to this blog, and lived miserably ever after.

Oh, and I rejoined the Torch VIP section, and their message board... a new man, a changed man. Moses Quick was dead and buried (and sometimes sneaks on AIM just to see who's around). CJ DelRay was born.

I think I've made it clear to you nice folks that my column writing days are over. I think I've also made it known that my days as a hard-core wrestling fan are wrapping up too. But I'm here, in this blog, every 7-10 days showing up and posting something and, without fail, the topic of wrestling somehow makes its way in these entries, without fail.

I'm not going to call it "the sickness", that's a term that unforgivable fuckface Dave Scherer used to somehow dramatize and elevate things. I just like to keep an eye on things in this business, mostly to see who dies next... and to be able to track the ups and down of the business against today's culture, and to see if McMahon finally gets himself into a shitstorm that he can't stare down.

And I like to voice my opinions, make my observations, and... and...

I wanted a place where I could talk wrestling, without turning it into a flamewar because Hyatte the Asshole was being Hyatte.

So I started posting again, focusing entirely on quality rather than quantity. I kept the sarcasm directed at the topic at hand, offered rhetorical questions, made witty remarks, made good points, pointed out aspects that no one else noticed, and ignored the blowhards. I learned to frame things so not to look arrogant. Rather than say, "Shawn Michaels is going to retire in two years, trust me." I would say, "It wouldn't surprise me if Shawn Michaels calls it quits in a couple of years." CJ DelRay was a model poster who started amassing a lot of "rep points" and private compliments.

(Rep Points: A Wade Keller exclusive. Posters are given the power to compliment particular posters with "rep points" for any post they find particularly good. It's a good way to track fellow posters and to filter the good ones from the bad. Yes, it is corny as hell. Of COURSE it is.

It's also pathetically addicting. And I started jonesing for rep points on each and every post I made. Fucking Keller... he won that round - won it HUGE.)

And Madden had made his triumphant return once Moses Quick breathed his last breath. Professionally, Mark was going through a rough patch. His Pittsburgh radio show was cancelled, or he was fired. He lost his desk job at The Gazette and had to start writing for The Beaver County Times, and TNA never called him up to replace Don West. He was humbled a bit, but he was free to fire away on the board.

And the Torch protected him. Keller ignored his flame baiting because he is a starfucker. Mitchell took it a step further and posted a perma-thread on the top of his board explaining that Mark had free reign because he was who he was, and because he was a personal friend. He also pointed out that once in a while you'll get an easy-going Madden who has a wealth of great stories from his Nitro days and that he'll go "tone to tone" with you. In other words, be nice to him and you might just get some inside info.

To me, I saw the belligerent Madden and the mellow Madden. And since I was being a model poster, but still with the razor sharp mind and gift for pointing out different perspectives, I studied the way Madden would use the same old lines to bait and enrage other posters. I noticed that mark would tend to get bored with the board activity and show up and say, "This board sucks, you people need Gods like me to liven things up. I haven't read a coherent thought from any of you losers!" A flame riot would start and Mark would disappear for another week or so. So I tried something different. I was nice and respectful and refused to take the bait.

The plan was to charm him.

And it worked, kind of.

This isn't a grandiose plan with a whopper of a pay-off. All I did was ask Mark questions whenever he piped in. Other posters went off with the insults and the flame throwing... I would ignore it and try to post stuff on the topics at hand.

I would also ask Mark his opinions on various sportswriters, trying to take him out of pro wrestling mode. And he'd answer all of my questions.

Again, he didn't know it was me. Neither did Mitchell. In fact, I teased Bruce a few times by asking him, "Figured out who I am yet? Wanna guess?" After a few weeks he finally caved and asked me, "I give up, who are you?"

I told him, and reminded him that I always said I could turn "babyface" on this board whenever I wanted. He was stunned. He didn't think I had it in me to be a regular poster without letting the "Hyatte personality" come out.

Anyway, just one time, just to make a point, I took Mark's bait and started fighting back. But I went personal and made jokes about how the only time Mark can get any girl to touch him was at strip clubs. "Do you got to pay extra for lap dances?" I asked. "Because there is more to you to grind on?"

Light stuff, but you all know me. I started following up on this path.

"Beggars can't be choosers, eh? And who begs more than you."

"I wonder how many strippers were able to put a down on a house thanks to Mark's wallet?"

"Over-tipping strippers, than going home and eating cheesecake all night, then coming online and telling us how much we suck, and then crying. Welcome to Madden's Saturday night."

"It's worth it to feel loved for 5 minutes, right Mark?"

That got him. Because he didn't nail me with a witty retort. He shouted, "SHUT UP!!" and then vanished for a couple of weeks.

When he came back, flaming and baiting like nothing happened, I went back to asking respectful, smart questions and generally left him alone. It was here where I asked about Stephanie and randy Savage, and he responded honestly. No one thinks its true. No one thinks its anything beyond a silly rumor. No one can confirm.

Anyway, things got quiet in the wrestling world, Torch board activity was light and boring, and I let my subscription run out again. Nothing much else to say here.

Except that I cracked Mark Madden, hiding in plain sight, the Internet Hooligan who he hates the most pulled gobs of nifty info out of him, and got him to like me...

And I made him show his ass, I baited him on his insecurities and, just a little, I left him with little to say other than "SHUT UP". For all his bluster, I made him cry. The insecure little fat virgin beneath came out for one little moment and then ran away.

And if I were the old Hyatte from years ago, it would be a Midnight News headline that I would drive into the ground for months. That I found Madden's buttons and mastered them. My last, greatest, (and yes, lamest) achievement as a Net God... to make Mark Madden my true bitch. My pet doggy that I could stroke or torture whenever I wanted. The last person to fear me.

But I'm not that guy anymore. So I held onto this story until now. Something to share in private with a few friends.

And maybe I'll go back to the VIP board one day. Safe bet he's still there, being a bully and hiding behind a wall of fat and obnoxiousness. And maybe I'll get him to bark for me again.

Factoid.

Wrestlemania, Jason Powell, and How About This Weather?

Some things never change.

One thing that always annoyed the piss out of me - and I mean when I was doing a weekly column that EVERYONE read - was when these web assholes would review a PPV, or even a regular Raw or Smackdown, and they would HAVE to mention that they had a ROOMFUL of friends with them. They couldn't just watch the shit alone, oh no, thats what LOSERS do... no, each and every week they would have a HUGE, MASSIVE, ORGY OF WRESTLING FRIENDS at their hip pad each and every week. They were... THAT COOL.

Of course, back then Rick Scaia bragged the loudest, one of the many, MANY exercises in bullshit and phonieness that made me want to skin him alive and spit cook him. He probably still does it to this day but I don't care anymore.

No, these days, its that little midget rent boy, Jason Powell, and he isn't subtle about it either. Oh no, every single chance he gets... because HEAVEN FORBID WE THINK HIM A MARK-LOSER... Jason will RAM DOWN OUT THROATS of the throwdown he has during EVERY PPV... during EVERY Raw... and maybe even during EVERY SMACKDOWN... Oh the parties he has... all his friends... call the cops... Powell don't run solo... oh no... he CELEBRATES... a PARTY HOUND.

All the time. The lamest was when he reviewed "12 Rounds" and AGAIN... had to mention that he went with a group of friends. I mean... who would go see that stupid movie anyway? And who could find anything remotely large enough to be called a "group" to go?

And the FAGGIEST move was when he bragged about ordering some JR's BBQ sauce for a particular RAW party... and he had his friends all CHIP IN for a bottle...

a %5.99 bottle. He had people chip in.

Now, the secret is that Jason's closest friend and DEFINITE commonlaw husband, Wade Keller, ALSO brags about HIS Raw parties... only Wade has to sit in another room to type the report while his "friends" watch... and Wade has to yell out for updates. Which leads me to believe that Wade and Jason are part of each other's party,,, but they don't want to admit it because it would seem fruity.

Listen, the only parties I think Jason Powell involve leather, clamps, car batteries, swing sets, and LOTS of JR's BBQ sauce with wrestling on in the background. I also think Powell loves cock, greasy assholes, and elevator shoes because he's so goddamm small that he needs every lift-help he can get.

I also think that it is the very HEIGHT of insecurity when you have to point out... time after time... about all the FRIENDS you have over the house watching a entertainment product that 90% of the world is ashamed of admitting to watch,

Get over yourself, Powell... you runty little dweeb. You're a short, flabby, humorless wrestling reporter. Telling your readers about the wild parties you have every Monday night and two Sundays a month doesn't buy you an ounce of respect.

You know whose lead you should follow? Pat McNeill's. He sometimes does a PPV review from a Bar. That's his idea, to watch a PPV at a bar and observe make up all the whacky stuff that happens there. It's boring, it's weak, and I AM convinced McNeill makes up 99% of the stories... and I don't even think he even goes to a bar... but at least he's not talking about a fuckload of friends he brought with him. He usually goes alone... or maybe with his girlfriend.

No, I don't know if Powell reads this... I think McNeill does... and Bruce Mitchell stops by every so often... as does Keller.

Point is... there's no point in mentioning how many people watch it with you. It serves no purpose other than to get yourself over... in the weakest way possible.

Of course, I'd be insecure too if I had these stubby little arms that can't reach my asshole to wipe without a broomstick.

Anyway. New England has the most amazing weather in the whole country. Where else can you get 60 degrees one day and a blistering cold Nor' Easter with 8 inches of snow the next. Of course, being here ones whole life makes one sick of the changing seasons. Bring on Florida...

... oh wait, hurricanes... and daily rain... and Cubans... and drubnk hillbillies forever lecturing you on how much better they are. Bleh. BRING ON ARIZONA!!

Oh... heat so intense stores have to stay open 24 hours so you can shop without dropping dead... meth heads EVERYWHERE. BRING ON... ON....

Hawaii? Expensive, lots of Japs... and one good Tsunami away from total sea submersion. BRING ON SACRAMENTO!!!

Oh... brokest state in the union... earthquakes... expensive as all hell.

You tell me, where is the perfect place to live. We know it ain't anything north of middle america. Not that North Dakota was anywhere near my wish list, but since they were flooded out, and THEN nailed with a nasty BLIZZARD just for the hell of it.

And Chicago? Where you can drop dead from intense heat in the summer or intense cold in the winter? Not a chance.

And then there's Detroit, which was always our version of a third world country before things went bad. I recently read a story about a professional hunter who now hunts and sells raccoon meat in Detroit. Apparently, about a million people left this city over the past year and now wildlife roams downtown. And gangs/drug warlords/rappers/nothing white own the city these days.

Heh, Detroit suddenly became "I Am Legend". Really.

******

Today I thought I would do some Wrestlemania reflections and answer some comments.

And I know some of you were hoping for a Wrestlemania Mop-Up. HA! Eat me.

WRESTLEMANIA 25

-I have a small, douchey confession to make. I think I like the Pussycat Dolls... and I think Nicole Scherzinger's voice is amazing. I haven't heard a bad song out of her yet. I enjoyed her rendition of the Star Spangled America the Beautiful. I also enjoy watching her management very broadly yank her out of the Pussycats and make her a solo artist.

Money in the Bank: CM Punk vs Kane vs Finlay vs Christian vs Kofi Kingston vs Mark Henry vs MVP vs Sheldon Benjamin

Am I the only one who thinks there are too many participants here? Very confusing. They could have done just fine without Mark Henry and Finlay

Anyway, Punk won again, because they seem to want to keep him in a "you're THISCLOSE to a bigger push" phase but aren't quite ready to pull the trigger on him yet. Being the first ever two time Bank winner would keep in in this loop nicely without committing him to anything beyond. I mean, his heavyweight title run is practically eliminated from the history books already.

Oh, and then Punk is drafted to Smackdown.

1)Extreme Rules: Matt Hardy vs Jeff Hardy

-Matt Hardy ties with Shawn Michaels for "best fake tan"

-Matt Hardy isn't fat, but isn't skinny either. He's like Vince Neil today as opposed to Vince Neil 20 years ago... roly poly but you can't really see where.

-And he can cut his stupid long hair too. He can get just as much rat pussy with shorter hair.

-My problem is that they should have had the HHH-Orton style match and HHH/Orton should'a broke out the gimmick tricks.

-Matt is a tool. They should've fired him a while ago. And the whole "Internet Wrestler Grassroots Superstar" ploy just isn't impressing the management.

3) Inter-Continental Title Match: JBL vs Rey Mysterio Jr.

-For a guy who was more a Vince favorite then a seat filler... JBL went out in the best way possible. Very simple and effective. No send-off for him. He knew better.

-When JR said that UNLIKE Heath Ledger, Rey Mysterio is "Alive and flourishing."... well, say hello to a Vince McMahon special headphone classic. I doubt Jim Ross even knows who Heath Ledger is.

4) 25 Diva Battle Royal:

-So, two weeks ago Trish told me she was going to be there and said a Heel was going over. I didn't start grilling her about it because part of the reason why I've been talking to the girl for 7 years is that I'm not some asshole mark. SORRY, FUCKOS... BUT ITS TRUE.

Anyway, word going around is that she bagged out because she wasn't going to get to win. And that she was told Santino Morello would. This sounds pretty bad on her part, no?

Well, here's what I think. Despite that fact that she has the perfect image and anyone with a microphone or a computer screen tends to completely drool over her, the fact is that she does have an ego. She knows how pretty, how skilled, and how "over" she is. It's not a massive ego, but its an ego. She's not snotty. She doesn't generate a sense of entitlement, but she has an ego and does/says things to me which screams "Princess"

However, unlike everyone else, I explain to her what an asshole she's being and she apologizes... then does it again. But then I do the same shit to her and she gets all pissy... and here we are, 7 years later and still friends. So she's not too bad.

Anywhoo, I CAN see her looking to win the whole thing, and asking for it, but I ALSO think she would've been cool with being the last one tossed out by Phoenix or McCool or Maryse... so long as it meant something and it got a Diva over and helped the division. She would've shown up for that.

But when they told her that Santino would show up in drag and win the thing, well... Trish is a smart girl, she saw that all this would mean is a few weeks of stupid, mid-show comedy that did NOTHING for the Diva division that she worked so hard to build. What looked like a CELEBRATION of the women's divsion, and women's wrestling, was going to be a set-up to a jerky punchline that only Vince McMahon would find terribly funny... she got out.

The girl takes serious pride in her accomplishments, as which she should.

So that's why she didn't show up. And she knows what assholes run this company, she knows not to trust them. Lita does too, which is why she told them to fuck off too.

And, of course, it turned out to be a seriously good move. They threw the girls in there after Kid Rock's pointless, obsolete concert, didn't give anyone a proper intro, and wrapped the thing up fast. I KNOW girls like Molly Holly and Torrie Wilson were all like, "It figures" and "Thank God I don't have to answert to them anymore." But I feel bad for Tammy Sytch, who I KNOW must have been crushed for not even getting a single close-up. She thought this would be her major comeback moment... her big BREAK. Heh, she was in and out and the announcers barely mentioned her. She got all dolled up too. Poor thing.

-Tammy is the female Randy the Ram- live and for real. You realize that, right?

-One might wonder if they had planned on building the whole Battle Royal around Trish being there, and since she bailed they just bumrushed it. Possibly. But the end result is that a dude in drag was going over and they are going to keep him in drag and doing funny bits... and probably taking the women's title too. A Gerwitz joke just for Vince. That's why she bailed.

Plus they wouldn't let her win. The brat.

6) WWE Heavyweight Championship: John Cena vs Edge vs The Big Show.

-Ho hum. This could headline any PPV at any time of the year. It's the absolute, cut & dry, evidence that they have no one they feel is worth elevating. They have no new stars on the horizon and they better be ready to pay Kurt Angle big bucks this fall. They need him... badly.

7) Chris Jericho vs Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka and Ricky Steamboat

-Steamboat looked good. Mickey Rourke looked all sorts of rough. I bet he fucked Sunny at some point that weekend.

8) Shawn Michaels vs the Undertaker

-So this is what you get when two veterans with wrecked knees have to overcome a 8 man ladder match and a young Hardy Boy spotfest. They told a story. There you go. They tore the house down simply by telling a story... the kind of story that made us all fans to begin with.

-The only fucking problem was that the build-up was designed to make the Undertaker look like the Hero chasing the cocky Heel. They should have let him get a few shots in on HBK to make things look more level. We all knew where they would end up, its the RIDE that was the interesting part.

-Anyway, my guess is that Taker goes for 20, then retires. If that's the case, then let me suggest his final three:

XXVI: Kurt Angle and if they can't get him, Verne Gagne. Now I'll pay twice to see ol Verne shoot on the 'Taker... in his hospital gown with his tushy hanging out. Big money there.

XXVII: Triple H

XXVIII: John Cena.

-The stakes can only get higher now. He can't go backwards and work a WM match with... Kane again... or some other mutt.

9) Triple H vs Randy Orton.

-The McMahon's are not Faces. They are not good guys. Shane McMahon punches like he's afraid of hurting anyone. Vince has no idea how to relate to ANYONE... and Stephanie spent a couple of college years out with the scummy lemmings and middle class then ran right back to Daddy's well-protected shelter and stayed there... she can't relate either.

-Only Stephanie knows she isn't well-liked by the audience, and I think she reads the internet... because these days, she never lasts on TV beyond a few weeks here and there. I think she reads the criticism and takes it personally. I also hear she's a really nice girl... just sheltered and over-sensitive.

-But the point is, the McMahons wanted us to accept that protecting their HONOR... the FAMILY NAME is main event material. That we are all DEMANDING vengence for him kicking in Vince's head, or Shane's, or DDT Stephanie. Hell, a lot of the audience was cheering for him.

-And Triple H is still a Heel. Only we aren't allowed to treat him like one.

-Anyway, some final notes:

-The All Blue arena was annoying.

-You gotta love how JR and Lawler quietly made Michael Cole look horrible all shop long. It wasn't just a coincidence that Cole turned in an almost amateurish performance with those two pros on either side of him. They went to work on showing him up.

-Ric Flair's gonna be bald up top within 4 years. And he's gonna look like a FOOL!! WOOOOO!!

-No one seems to notice this, but Austin basically said he'll never be on wrestling TV again. No more guest refereeing, no more guest enforcing, no more cameos... nothing. I'm not sure anyone else realized this.

-HOW CAN JEFF JARRETT PUT OUT A 4 YEAR CAREER RETROSPECTIVE DVD WHEN THE BEST YEARS OF HIS CAREER ARE OWNED BY A COMPANY THAT WILL NEVER LET HIM GO NEAR THOSE ARCHIVES??? Fuck... the only reason he CARRIES a guitar now stems from his Country-Western superstar gimmick. And it was a GREAT gimmick too!!

-I think Trish MIGHT have gone to Houston anyway but her husband made a stink.

-And you know how they BRAGGED that Wrestlemania filled more seats than this year's Superbowl? Yeah, well... these assholes didn;t have to make room for A HUNDRED YARD FUCKING FOOTBALL FIELD WITH PLENTY OF ROOM OFFSIDES!!!!! JESUS CHRIST, WHAT FUCKING MORONS DO THEY THINK WE ARE???

Yeah, no ground seating available... about 3000 seats worth. What a desperate, lame, weak-ass company.

DID YOU KNOW that if the WWE was as much a massive entertainment bonanza as they keep saying they are, they wouldn't have to beg half-way dead networks to house their Smackdown brand??? They wouldn't have to prepare to re-unify the brands once and for all because no REAL network wants it???

Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I have a lot of comments to catch up on and I really want to tell you this Madden story. But I have to go for right now.

The irony is... heh... I'm on vacation this week. All I did was laze about, and had some sex... lot more than usual. I could've posted a lot but I DIDN'T WANT TO!!

See... I did it myself... no one cares if I'm having sex... but I'm so insecure that I HAD to point it out. Fuckin.... web guys SUCK.

But I'm 6 feet... and hate the cock... and could grow out a magnificent head of hair with just a teeny tiny bit of hairline crop that looks like the ground is slightly radioactive.

Did I mention I love pussy? And I got a lot of action this week? Yeah!!